You don't exist anymore

So, I haven't blogged since October. It's not that nothing happened, it's more a case of me not knowing how to say what happened or how I'm feeling. I've been, (haha, as if I'm not always) in a strange place where my only comfort has been avoidance. Really. Mostly avoiding myself and my demons that have, lately, become so much more and so real.

So how did I make it so far? Oh easy, to quote my mom "oh, yes, I'm the great pretender. . ." Ok, it's actually Queen or Freddy Mercury, but Mom keeps telling me that is my song. I've been focussing on fixing everyone else and in the process I can totally avoid myself.

I'm seeing someone, nice guy, younger than me (can you get your head around that one? I can't), 2 kids etc, etc. Now, my birthday is coming up sooner than I'd like and all that I've been thinking about is: why can't I make it an even 33? If I off myself on my birthday, it is easy to do my tombstone...

Here lies HappyTheClam, born 17 March 1975, died same day 2008. RIP. It's got a nice ring to it don't you think?

Things are falling into place nicely, got the testament all sorted out, have kinda prepared eveyone although they don't realise it's all preparation :o) Most people think I'm just too preoccupied or busy to care anymore. Great, the fewer people mom has to feed after the cremation, the better, besides, have you seen the organ donor list? These are people that WANT to live and I am depriving them of the organs the so desperately need to do it.

And no, I'm NOT going to do it on my birthday, thought about it, and now that I'm giving it more serious thought again, it seems like a good plan... with Abby I have 2 really bad days a year, her birthday and the day of her death, same with my dad. So maybe I should save the people 2 days and make it a two in one?

Leave me some comments and let me know the answer to 2 in one or not, also, how do I let the guy go before the time? He doesn't need to loose someone to death, I'd rather have him think I am still alive and well and living in NY or something. So to dump or not to dump.

Oh, lol, the reason for the heading to this post: when I tried to log on the message I got was "Your e-mail address does not exist". Well, they finally got something right, the e-mail address will not exist for much longer and neither will I. Now that is what we call closure!