I'm Back

The break was much needed. I really didn't have anything to say, not in this space anyway.

Short synopsis of what happened while I was away. I went on a journey into self discovery. Sound mediocre? It wasn't. In one weekend I had more profound experiences than I've ever had in my life.

Then I had to get back into the real world after being snug in the safety of the people that went on the discovery with me. The first couple of days are easy, even the first 2 weeks. Then it gets a bit harder.

Integrity. That's what it's all about. Being honest with yourself and others. Sounds easy, right? It's not. The first while was easy, now it is getting harder, possibly because greater truths are hitting home in me.

In my direct circle of contact, everyone seems to be having affairs. I feel like I'm surrounded by unfaithful people. It makes me sick to my stomach. Sound about right? That was all fine and dandy and full of self justification. Who am I to judge?

As if to prove a point; the universe decided to chuck one my way.... the guy I've always wanted, been 3 years now, contacts me out of the blue with a proposition: he wants to get into a commited relationship with me. There goes my judgements and notions about what the other people are doing.

Granted, it was an e-mail, not a session of hot and steamy sex. And sure, I decided when I got up this morning that my current relationship is just not going where I want it to go, but still, now I am in the same situation. Tonight, I have to come clean with G about the mail and tell him although we have great times and my life will be really empty without him ( and it really will and it going to hurt like a son of a bitch ), the time has come for it to end.

I have no idea if the fantasy man e-mail will lead to something, but the fact that I am even considering it is enough of a reason to let G go. So, I'll be single soon. I am petrified.

And to all the guys out there I was so quick to judge: sorry, just do what is right for YOU. It might hurt for a while, but if you go against your own better judgement, more people get hurt and the capacity for hurting the other person also gets greater. Good luck to all of us.