Creeping closer

On Wednesday Abby would've been 4 years old. Boss suggested I take leave, he saw what happened last year.... So what to do on the day? Take a sleeping pill 1st thing in the morning, sleep the whole day and pretend it didn't happen.

The steady downward spiral has started, and I can do nothing to stop it. At least by this time I know what to look for and I realise what is happening to me, so this time round I won't be ending up in hospital again, I will be a trooper and take it. NOT! ! ! ! I will avoid it. Maybe next year I can face it. Not this year and to hell with anyone that tries to convince me I can 'snap out of it'. I don't think I've ever told anyone else how to grieve, so why do people think they have the right to tell me? Sure, they all mean well, but honestly, come and talk to me again once you've lost a child.

The pain doesn't get less, in fact, I think it gets worse, but you learn to pretend to be okay, because if anyone knew how you really felt they would try to tell you it's not so bad or mean well and get you to 'open up'. Some things are personal, sure, tell me you remember and you're thinking of me, but don't approach me and think your ointment will work on me.

What people don't understand is that I will never know:

1. What would her eyes look like now?
2. Would she have liked pumpkin as much as her sisters do?
3. Would she have had curly hair or straight?
4. Would she have had a silent laugh or one that roars out of her belly?
5. Would she have been daddy's little girl or my little brat?
6. Would she have spoken with a lisp or a drawl?
7. Would she have been arty like C or a clever little thing like X?
8. What music would she have liked?
9. What would be her favourite chocolate?
10. Would she prefer sunshine or rain?
11. What would her first word have been?

The list goes on and on and on. . . . who can I tell what I'm feeling? No-one. Why? Because I ver jealously guard my Abby thoughts, because it is no-one's business. I carried her alone for 9 months, I spent every second with her from birth till death, with the exception of the Grim Reaper's fucked up selfish 'it's my birthday' hours. No-one that I'm close to was there when she died. No-one knew her, so am I wrong to not want to share my hurt with any of them?