Silence no more!

' "Some Kind Of Monster" - Metallica

These are the eyes that can't see me

These are the hands that drop your trust

These are the boots that kick you around

This is the tongue that speaks on the inside

These are the ears that ring with hate

This is the face that'll never change

This is the fist that grinds you down

This is the voice of silence no more

These are the legs in circles run

This is the beating you'll never know

These are the lips that taste no freedom

This is the feel that's not so safe

This is the face that you'll never change

This is the god that ain't so pure

This is the god that is not pure

This is the voice of silence no more

We the people

Are we the people?

Some kind of monster

This monster lives

This is the face that stones you cold

This is the moment that needs to breathe

These are the claws that scratch these wounds

This is the pain that never leaves

This is the tongue that whips you down

This is the burden of every man

These are the screams that pierce your skin

This is the voice of silence no more

This is the test of flesh and soul

This is the trap that smells so good

This is the flood that drains these eyes

These are the looks that chill to the bone

These are the fears that swing over head

These are the weights that hold you down

This is the end that will never end

This is the voice of silence no more

We the people

Are we the people?

Some kind of monster

This monster lives

This is the cloud that swallows trust

This is the black that uncolors us

This is the face that you hide from

This is the mask that comes undone

Ominous

I'm in us'

I've had it. Really.

My weekend sucked. And why? Because I allow it to happen. I had a lot more guts when I started writing this. Something's gotta give and this time it's not going to be me.

Scrat saw this coming, but I had other convictions. The truth is a heartless bitch at the end of it all. I've been reading up on verbal abuse. Interesting subject. Now, in all honesty, I am a victim but I am also an aggressor. Both these conclusions lead me to the bigger truth that if this is my current relationship then what good is it doing either of us?

There is a fine line between loving someone and being in a sick relationship. Mine is the latter, but I am still to shit scared to really do anything about it. So, in reality, when all else fails and you've nowhere to turn, go to your mom for advice. Poor Mom, doesn't know what's coming, I hope she's in a 'I want what is the best for you' mood, because if there is anyone that I trust for advice this time it'll be her. She said something to me the other day that made me do a double take. She said: 'He really loves you'. I had no reply to give her then, but I think it's about time that I come clean with her about what goes on behind closed doors. . .

I gave her a little insight over the phone and her response was that she's only heard his side of the story and my side adds a whole different perspective on this entire situation. Can you believe that I am so weak? I don't have the guts to just stand up and say 'get out!!' What am I scared of?

I don't have the answer to that but as soon as I do, I will share my enlightenment. Till then, keep 'em crossed for me and help me hope that I'll be making the decision that will be right for all of us in the end. I don't wish him any harm, but I am not going to let myself get hurt the entire time because I am scared of bad karma or being alone or whatever the hell it is that is keeping me here.

Creeping closer

On Wednesday Abby would've been 4 years old. Boss suggested I take leave, he saw what happened last year.... So what to do on the day? Take a sleeping pill 1st thing in the morning, sleep the whole day and pretend it didn't happen.

The steady downward spiral has started, and I can do nothing to stop it. At least by this time I know what to look for and I realise what is happening to me, so this time round I won't be ending up in hospital again, I will be a trooper and take it. NOT! ! ! ! I will avoid it. Maybe next year I can face it. Not this year and to hell with anyone that tries to convince me I can 'snap out of it'. I don't think I've ever told anyone else how to grieve, so why do people think they have the right to tell me? Sure, they all mean well, but honestly, come and talk to me again once you've lost a child.

The pain doesn't get less, in fact, I think it gets worse, but you learn to pretend to be okay, because if anyone knew how you really felt they would try to tell you it's not so bad or mean well and get you to 'open up'. Some things are personal, sure, tell me you remember and you're thinking of me, but don't approach me and think your ointment will work on me.

What people don't understand is that I will never know:

1. What would her eyes look like now?
2. Would she have liked pumpkin as much as her sisters do?
3. Would she have had curly hair or straight?
4. Would she have had a silent laugh or one that roars out of her belly?
5. Would she have been daddy's little girl or my little brat?
6. Would she have spoken with a lisp or a drawl?
7. Would she have been arty like C or a clever little thing like X?
8. What music would she have liked?
9. What would be her favourite chocolate?
10. Would she prefer sunshine or rain?
11. What would her first word have been?

The list goes on and on and on. . . . who can I tell what I'm feeling? No-one. Why? Because I ver jealously guard my Abby thoughts, because it is no-one's business. I carried her alone for 9 months, I spent every second with her from birth till death, with the exception of the Grim Reaper's fucked up selfish 'it's my birthday' hours. No-one that I'm close to was there when she died. No-one knew her, so am I wrong to not want to share my hurt with any of them?

PostSecret

.... or Putty.

Everyone else pales in comparison, so I'll settle for "close"!

Collective Soul

"Where The River Flows"

Give me a moment

Got to get this weight up off my chest

Don't feed me sorrow

Pain is a poison I digest

Find yourself another soul to hold

You think, you thought, I know

Off upon my journey I must go

To where the river flows

I'll give you answers

To the questions you have yet to ask

Silence is beauty

Words they only complicate the task

Make no more wishes

All of my patience has been spent

Gods of the season

Lead me to my next incident

PostSecret

How I'm feeling,

For friend's eyes only....

One Last Breath - Creed (AGAIN)

Please come now I think I’m falling

I’m holding on to all I think is safe

It seems I found the road to nowhere

And I’m trying to escape

I yelled back when I heard thunder

But I’m down to one last breath

And with it let me say

Let me say

Hold me nowI’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

That maybe six feet

Ain’t so far down

I’m looking down now that it’s over

Reflecting on all of my mistakes

I thought I found the road to somewhere

Somewhere in His grace

I cried out heaven save me

But I’m down to one last breath

And with it let me say

Let me say

Hold me now

I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

That maybe six feet

Ain’t so far down

Sad eyes follow me

But I still believe there’s something left for me

So please come stay with me

‘Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me

For you and me

For you and me

Hold me now

I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking. . . .

Weathered

Weathered - Creed

I lie awake on a long, dark night

I can’t seem to tame my mind

Slings and arrows are killing me inside

Maybe I can’t accept the life that’s mine

No I can’t accept the life that’s mine

Simple living is my desperate cry

Been trading love with indifference yeah it suits me just fine

I try to hold on but I’m calloused to the bone

Maybe that’s why I feel alone

Maybe that’s why I feel so alone

Me…I’m rusted and weathered

Barely holding together

I’m covered with skin that peels and it just won’t heal

The sun shines and I can’t avoid the light

I think I’m holding on to life too tight

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust

Sometimes I feel like giving up

Sometimes I feel like giving up

Me…I’m rusted and weathered

Barely holding together

I’m covered with skin that peels and it just won’t heal

The day reminds me of you

The night hides your truth

The earth is a voice

Speaking to you

Take all this pride

And leave it behind

Because one day it ends

One day we die

Believe what you will

That is your right

But I choose to win

So I choose to fight

To fight

Yet another Monday

Just one Monday I'd like to come to work without a chip on my shoulder.

I was off sick last week, it was horrible, I couldn't really breathe all that well and I just felt like shit (and that's putting it mildly). I was in bed all week.

On Thursday night we had an appointment with the wedding planner or is that co-ordinator? Regardless, I had a very hard time breathing. It had nothing to do with being sick, but it was a convenient excuse and I got away with it.

I don't want to get married. There, I said it. I get so caught up in the planning and his excitement that I think I do, but now I think, in all honesty, that I don't.

To make matters worse: he told his Mom this weekend and asked her to help with the making of various things, including my dress. Fuck.

Since last night was Sunday we, of course, had to fight. Sunday mornings as soon as he opens his eyes it starts.....you're going to have a FUCKING week again. Cleaning all the desktops for all the guys at work... it pisses me off, he knows it, and it is the same thing, week in and week out. You try living with that every Sunday without fail for 8 months and tell me that you will not be beyond pissed off.

I want to stab him. Or something like that. Talking to a friend now and he used "BUNDY" as a descriptive. Now Ted Bundy has nothing on 'him', but according to Scrat it means: 'Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition But Unfortunately Not Deat Yet'. I have to say, I appreciate his explanation more.

So here I am, in deep kak again. I should've listened and blah, blah (to all of you saying I told you so), BUT . . . .

. . . how do I pay all the debt that we've accumulated? And yes, I know you warned me about that too. At least we're at the point now that he knows I want him out of there, unfortunately, he also knows about the financial situation, so I'm in limbo. Being in limbo is more stressful than actually knowing what you're going to do, but I have to hang in there for now.

The problem is that there are these moments when he is the sweetest guy under the sun, but these are getting less and less and they are truelly few and far between these days . . .

I am not a fuck around chick, so yes it hurts when he says that, but lately it hasn't hurt as much as just pissing me off. This is a dangerous place for me to be. He doesn't know me when I snap and he doesn't want to. He is too dumb to realise how far he's pushing me or what I'm capable of! ! !

Ag, I dunno, maybe I'll feel different again, but just to let you know - since he's been around Monday has a whole new reason to SUCK!!!!!

PostSecret for this week

This is so true it's scary. This is exactly what I would've sent in this week.