I'm a bitch

Go figure, not new news on that one, it's a given.

After yet another battle (this one mild in comparison to the others), we didn't break up. We were both acting like children.

I can be a total irrational bitch - most of the time - reminder to all faithful readers: you only ever get to hear my side of the story. And as everyone knows all stories have 3 sides, my side, your side and then the painful truth.

After reaching what we percieved to be a dead-end and a 'back to square one', the reinforcements were called in. We lay the truth out on the table for the kids and asked them for an opinion. Fuck me and call me a virgin! ! ! They are, and yes I insist, amazing. I was expecting something completely different, but this is what we got. Like they say, from the mouths of babes:

'Whatever. You aren't the only people that fight. We don't want him to leave, you guys love each other and EVERYBODY fights.'

I felt like a tit. I am always so dramatic, thinking that every fight or disagreement is the end of the world (and the relationship) when in reality, it is just a learning curb.

Don't get all stressed and think I am now going to become this little ball of joy and stop blogging. . I am horribly depressed today and still my old morbid self, so no chance on instint happiness, just a huge kick under the ass from the kids. Sometimes I am truely amazed by their innocent wisdom and the impact they make on my love and life.

I have a PHOBIA of spiders, for real. Not in the quezy sense, in the scare the living bejezus and shit and piss out of me, all at once.

One morning I discovered this thing at my Mom's house: it was THREE-AND-A-HALF INCHES IN DIAMETER and had EIGHT EYES, TWO HUGE FANGS/INCISORS, and SPIKES ON ITS LEGS; clearly, it was one of the scariest fucking things I had ever seen.

This thing is a walk in the park compared to G.

If I seriously ever get bitten by a spider I can always get a shot, right? How do you recover from having your entire being and universe shattered? Be fucked if I know.

I realised, some time since yesterday, the reason that I so badly want to end it and run, run, run, is because I am scared of getting hurt. Trust me freely when I tell you that G has the capacity to do SERIOUS damage. Not just serious, fatal. For real.

So what is our first instincts? Fight or flight right. . . so what have I actually been doing? Fighting - cause where the fuck am I going to run? ? ! ! No matter how far you run, you always take yourself with. It sucks.

Here we are at today: why do we almost always have to loose something to realise how much it's valued to you? Look, I'm not proclaiming that he is the faultless wonder, or that I am now saintly because we realised we love each other and it's real. I'm just saying that I'm glad that I realised it before it was over.

So for all intense purposes: I will still think he is an asshole sometimes, he will still think I am a bitch and we will want to kill each other and all other healthy aspects of a great relationship, but at least I realised that my biggest fear is also my biggest desire. I am not quite sure how to handle all these new epiphanies that I've had, but I'm sure WE yes WE will figure out how to keep me and 'us' semi-sane.

I feel like laughing-crying-singing-moaning-giggling-shouting-cowering-jumping. . . in other words, I have no idea how to handle this. I am absolutely sure that I will love him always, through the fights, through the laughs, through the fights and through thick and thin.

So the question arises why am I so scared? Have you ever given your soul to someone?

All the Christians SIT DOWN, that is not what I mean.

I'm trusting him with my future and also, in part with the future of the girls. For me, the control freak, this is a completely alien experience, so forgive my insecurity, uneasy and my gutless fear. Face it - ain't loving someone, REALLY loving them, scaring all of us shitless and that is why we end up in loveless marriages and 'safe' relationships? And with that crumb of wisdom, I'm logging off, going home and spending some time with my man!!