PostSecret

I never asked again, but now she can see without me having to ask.

. . . .

Artist: Fokofpolisiekar

Album: As Jy Met Vuur Speel Sal Jy Brand

Year: 2003

Title: Maak Of Braak

Tuisgemaakte sosialewapen,

onbekende handgebare

dooie mense maak asof hulle my ken.

in die begrafplaas waar ek bly

lag al die geraamtes vir my

maar hulle is onbewus dat ek stuk vir stuk

my hart by my keel afdruk

drink nou hierdie bloed van my,

dis al wat ek het wat jy kan kry

ek het spesiaal my are vir jou oopgesny

sê net dit lyk mooi

die ewige kind agter in my kop,

bewe benoud en krap oop sy toegestikte mond

nes stilgebore babas huil ek nie

oor die onregverdigheid van die lewe nie,

niemand lewe rerig nie.

ek het al my kos en geheime opgegooi

se net dit lyk mooi sê net dit lyk mooi

ek het al daai fokkin' kak gesluk, myself probeer verdrink

sê net dit lyk mooi sê net ek is mooi

paniekbevange angstig en alleen

prins van donkerte ek dien myself alleen

About Being Positive

I'm more of a. . .

Than a . . .

Roget's New Millennium Thesaurus defines Positive thinking as:
'Definition: positive attitude
Synonyms: bright outlook, bullishness, cheerfulness, enthusiasm, great expectations, hopefulness, optimism, Pollyannaism, rosy outlook, silver lining'

Alien terms to me, but I am trying. Maybe I can pick one word a day and just for that day, try it out, till I can do all of them at once?

I have had yet another humbling experience. My man has been positive about us and the job situation the whole time and I have been, as we all know, horribly negative. They phoned him today and offered him all the jobs he applied for, he can choose one, he starts on Monday.

Oh me of little faith!

So today is 'bright outlook'. MMmm, the sun is shining, but it's not blistering hot. It is Friday afternoon. My boss is only back in the office on Thursday next week. I have a bright future with my babes and my babies to look forward to. I have a wedding to plan. I have petrol in my car, food on my table and the prospect of going home to loves and cuddles tonight PLUS we get to watch DVD's.

Not too bad for my first try. I figured I have always been a morbid pessimist, maybe I should try something new?

I'm a bitch

Go figure, not new news on that one, it's a given.

After yet another battle (this one mild in comparison to the others), we didn't break up. We were both acting like children.

I can be a total irrational bitch - most of the time - reminder to all faithful readers: you only ever get to hear my side of the story. And as everyone knows all stories have 3 sides, my side, your side and then the painful truth.

After reaching what we percieved to be a dead-end and a 'back to square one', the reinforcements were called in. We lay the truth out on the table for the kids and asked them for an opinion. Fuck me and call me a virgin! ! ! They are, and yes I insist, amazing. I was expecting something completely different, but this is what we got. Like they say, from the mouths of babes:

'Whatever. You aren't the only people that fight. We don't want him to leave, you guys love each other and EVERYBODY fights.'

I felt like a tit. I am always so dramatic, thinking that every fight or disagreement is the end of the world (and the relationship) when in reality, it is just a learning curb.

Don't get all stressed and think I am now going to become this little ball of joy and stop blogging. . I am horribly depressed today and still my old morbid self, so no chance on instint happiness, just a huge kick under the ass from the kids. Sometimes I am truely amazed by their innocent wisdom and the impact they make on my love and life.

I have a PHOBIA of spiders, for real. Not in the quezy sense, in the scare the living bejezus and shit and piss out of me, all at once.

One morning I discovered this thing at my Mom's house: it was THREE-AND-A-HALF INCHES IN DIAMETER and had EIGHT EYES, TWO HUGE FANGS/INCISORS, and SPIKES ON ITS LEGS; clearly, it was one of the scariest fucking things I had ever seen.

This thing is a walk in the park compared to G.

If I seriously ever get bitten by a spider I can always get a shot, right? How do you recover from having your entire being and universe shattered? Be fucked if I know.

I realised, some time since yesterday, the reason that I so badly want to end it and run, run, run, is because I am scared of getting hurt. Trust me freely when I tell you that G has the capacity to do SERIOUS damage. Not just serious, fatal. For real.

So what is our first instincts? Fight or flight right. . . so what have I actually been doing? Fighting - cause where the fuck am I going to run? ? ! ! No matter how far you run, you always take yourself with. It sucks.

Here we are at today: why do we almost always have to loose something to realise how much it's valued to you? Look, I'm not proclaiming that he is the faultless wonder, or that I am now saintly because we realised we love each other and it's real. I'm just saying that I'm glad that I realised it before it was over.

So for all intense purposes: I will still think he is an asshole sometimes, he will still think I am a bitch and we will want to kill each other and all other healthy aspects of a great relationship, but at least I realised that my biggest fear is also my biggest desire. I am not quite sure how to handle all these new epiphanies that I've had, but I'm sure WE yes WE will figure out how to keep me and 'us' semi-sane.

I feel like laughing-crying-singing-moaning-giggling-shouting-cowering-jumping. . . in other words, I have no idea how to handle this. I am absolutely sure that I will love him always, through the fights, through the laughs, through the fights and through thick and thin.

So the question arises why am I so scared? Have you ever given your soul to someone?

All the Christians SIT DOWN, that is not what I mean.

I'm trusting him with my future and also, in part with the future of the girls. For me, the control freak, this is a completely alien experience, so forgive my insecurity, uneasy and my gutless fear. Face it - ain't loving someone, REALLY loving them, scaring all of us shitless and that is why we end up in loveless marriages and 'safe' relationships? And with that crumb of wisdom, I'm logging off, going home and spending some time with my man!!

Just another statistic

Fuck it, enough is enough. He is an asshole and no amount of trying will change that.

On Monday he quit his job of 6 years, because he was offered another job by a personel agency. I was supportive. Monday night we found out that they've only arranged interviews, so I asked: what are we going to do if the interviews don't pan out.

Fuck me sideways for asking. All hell broke loose. I am negative and a negative influence on everything positive on his life. I always drag him down and can never see a positive thing I only focus on the negative. I call it a reality check, he calls it negativity. Needless to say there was no more talking after that and he deemed it fit to have this bitch fit in front of the kids. He also saw the need to sleep in the lounge.

Guess what happened? He went to interviews yesterday and both companies said they can only get back to him in two weeks. So I call and ask, what are you going to do for the next two weeks? Again all hell breaks loose, because why do I have to drain his energy with my shit and so what if he's at home for the next two weeks. He wants to ask my mom if she has any work around the house that she needs done. So my mom has to financially support this? Over my dead decaying body.

Had root canal yesterday, was bleeding all over the place, so bad that the dentist had to burn my gums, which meant the only thing I could eat was yogurt. I love yogurt so I didn't mind, but even this was an issue, cause now suddenly, I've developed anorexia or something to that effect. Asshole.

So at 8 I decided to go to bed, I was tired and my mouth was sore and I'll be goddamned if I still feel I have to explain myself. Seeing that he was in the bedroom all evening, even when we ate supper, I assumed that he'd be sleeping in the lounge again. So, I POLITELY asked if he would mind watching the cricket in the lounge. Another bitchfit: Fine, I will get out of YOUR room, so YOU can sleep. I left it, figured it wasn't worth explaining and let him go on his merry way. Keep in mind, the kids are still awake at this time. . .

I JUST fell asleep and he barges into the room and offers the following monologue:

"That's it. It's over, for real this time. I've had it with you and your negativity and always being morbid around me. And here you lie, acting like a victim again. I am always the bad guy and you do NOTHING wrong. You think you're a princess, in reality, you've made my life a living hell for the last six months and you do not appreciate me and all the efforts that I am making to better the future for us. I don't want to be with you anymore and I am sure your glad to hear that. Just give me time to get on my feet again and I will move out.

Now you can carry on with your life, fuck whoever you want and not worry about hiding it from me anymore...etc"

While this is going on I get an sms. The reaction (you gotta love it) "Who the fuck is that? Loverboy?" It was a friend from Cape Town. At that moment I couldn't have thanked her more - you know who you are - THANK YOU!!!!

Then we spoke like adults, it was a refreshing albeit short change. You know the thing with hindsight being a bitch and all that? Proven true again last night, when we started talking like adults, he rattled off the same old rhyme: I don't really want to leave, I just wanted to get your attention and blah, blah, fishpaste.

Oh boy, did he ever get my attention, pity it wasn't the reaction he was expecting. You know, a person can only take so much of threats and the like and then all of sudden you realise that it's been enough for almost a week now. So, I spoke my mind, short and sweet, 'when it's over it's over and no amount of beating around the bush or trying to beat a dead horse will change it.'

Bitchfit all over again and this time, true to character, it was ME that broke it off. Okay, if that's what it takes to get it over with, I will take the blame. Then we'll all be happy. He will be blameless as usual, I'll be the bitch as usual and hopefully it's done now.

What pissed me off the most - the kids don't need to hear it all the time. He keeps saying that he is just another statistic in a long line of failed relationships. He couldn't be more right. I broke his heart? Ha, bullshit. He doesn't have one!

I say again: I am seriously worried about the damage this might be doing to the girls. They are getting to the point where they ask, rolling their eyes:'Are you guys fighting again.'

Sure, no-one can get along all the time, but this is ludicrous!

I miss being single, having a life and being able to see my friends. They understand when I say - I'm not in the mood for people, I want to be alone or call them at the last minute, telling them to bring themselves and their sense of humour around for a visit. And then when I'm fed-up, I can tell them - I'm going to bed now, close the door and lock up behind you when you leave.

I miss only having to fight my own demons and I DESPERATELY miss laughing about silly stuff when I feel like it.

I WANT MY LIFE AND MYSELF BACK! ! ! ! Seems like I will have to fight to do so, hence the picture :o)

This too shall pass, sooner rather than later, watch this space. . .

I saw SAW I, II & III

I saw the 1st one out of morbid curiosity. Let's be honest, that is why horror movies has such a huge market, suckers like me. I am entirely addicted to horror movies, have been since I was 11.

I blame it on Stephen King's IT, the first King book I read, like I hinted, I was 11 at the time. It's all been downhill from there!

I was talking to Mom on Sunday, she was flipping out cause other Granny let the girls watch SAW III. Not the whole movie, just enough to have them DYING for more, not because she was being bitchy either, they just ran out of time. So here was mom, on the soapbox, about how it isn't 'good' for them to watch such violence. Now, to be honest, I actually agree with her, which is why they haven't seen the other two, even though I own them. . .

The point I wanted to make was that I started watching horror movies at 11, but I was a much more mature 11 than the girls are. I am proud of the fact that they still prefer Harry Potter and Over the Hedge to SAW, I wish I was so innocent at 11. . .

Be that as it may, I dunno if I should let them finish watching the movie or not. Any suggestions?

BUT, low and behold, that is not what this post is about. The post is ACTUALLY, drum roll, can you believe it, another drum roll, about the movies themselves.

Fuck, they are absolutely brilliant. A fresh new idea in the genre. These masks are the things that nightmares are made of. The horridness of what the victims have to go through for freedom are atrocious, as it is supposed to be in ANY horror. Many movies have come and gone, many a series (Jason, Freddy, Michael), but none of these are even remotely in the same league as the SAW trilogy and yes, I am hoping for a IV, but they killed Jig, so I dunno.

Instead of doing the normal from bad to worse like the series' I mentioned above, this is a winner, the worst being III then II and then I as opposed to the other way around.

I even think the storyline is better than most, of course when I say most, I do not include any of Stephen King's works. And there is a thread, a believeable one, between the movies and the transgressions of the main characters. I know, I know, such big words on a Friday! !

If you're as sick as I am (and you'd have to be if you're a regular reader!) get them, well worth the watch.

Also, check this out. And here are reviews, 1 gud (as it should be) and 1 bad (for the guys that should rather watch the cooking channel).

WTF????

According to G, there was 'something wrong' with me last nite, the more I said there wasn't the more I assured him that nothing is 'wrong' I am just a little tired, the more he said 'there is something wrong'. I told him I was tired, but no, there HAD to be something MORE wrong!

Explain to me, PLEASE, how this can be cause for an argument? When it started I said I am NOT going to fight with you, so stop picking for a fight. True's gawd, he carries on, and then I dared to say that I am going to bed. Well, that just let loose a whole can of whipass on me.

I chose to ignore the insults and attacks e.g. this is how it always is with you, two days of happiness and then you have to fuck everything up with being morbid around me... uh, fuck right off, I wasn't morbid, I was tired. And then the gem...the good ole beaten horse . . there HAS to be someone else, cause your not happy around me, but you're always so cheerful around other people.

Well, obviously. Other people don't tell me that there is something wrong when I tell them I'm tired!

This lovely family evening caused me to be up most of the night. The good old wake up every hour. . . At 3 this morning he flings around and bed with this to offer: 'What the fuck are you doing, you've been keeping me up all night with getting in and out of bed, I have to get up at 4 and I wont be albe to go back to sleep now. You are so selfish, do you know how tired I am.'

Fo course I know how tired he is, I've been keeping the same hours by getting up all the time. So the question, really, is does he know how tired I am? ! ? ! ? I was tired before I went to sleep and the getting up every hour all night thing didn't help.

Fortunately, I was too tired to beat the crap out of him, so I just ignored him, had a smoke and lay down again. Inevidibly the next question came: 'What are you doing? Are you going back to sleep?'

With great glee, I flopped down on my back, said yes and went right back to sleep.

He leaves before I get up, so I haven't seen or heard from him since. And honestly, today, it is better that way! ! !

As luck would have it, he is working a double shift tonight and another one tomorrow night. Thanks to Murphy, tomorrow night I am working with him from 9-1. Till then, the 'ignoring each other' thing is working just fine for me!

From the past.....The Second Husband

I decided that they deserve 'pictures', so check up on part one. . . .
Off we go, part two of the saga. .
2. The 'Screw Around'

How it got started? I'm not going to go into detail here. He was my waiter at a restaurant and from there it just digressed. He could talk his way out of anything and into anything, including panties (and yes, I meant to use the plural). I was bearly divorced when he popped up. Oh my gawd, how stupid can one woman be? ? Don't answer that - I already know!

What the fuck was I thinking? ? ? Well, just gotten divorced (at age 23) with two 2 year old girls, I thought I was the luckiest woman alive, someone WAS interested after all. Band-dude assured me that no-one will be interested in me again, what he should have said is no-one WORTHWHILE will be interested for a long time.

Why did it go wrong? Where to start? He just could not keep his dick in his pants. He couldn't hold down a job. He didn't have a driver's licence and he drove my car to pieces, literally. I went to visit Mom in Canada for 4 weeks and when I got back my car was destroyed. I kid you not. He lied to me about everything. Imagine finding all this out on 1 day after marrying the dude and being faithful to him for 3 years: he didn't ever have a drivers licence, he was in jail for 18 months, he hired hookers and slept with them using your money to do so. And still there's more: he used the car that YOU bought for him on your name, to pick up hookers. He is a full blown alcoholic and he decides that you bitch at him too much and then the solution comes to him in a flash of beer: beat her up while she's 8 months pregnant. Brilliant.

What makes it even worse (can you believe, it gets worse)? Have his baby, perfect gorgeous little thing, unfortunatly she only lived for two weeks. It might be petty, but I do blame him for it. He was too drunk to take me to the hospital when she got sick and I couldn't drive after my c-section, Then I tried to mourn your child and got told after two weeks to 'get over it'. And then, of course, he used the 'my crazy wife killed my child' to pick up girls. As if that wasn't bad enough, that's right, it gets worse, he takes the twins to school and meets a new woman there by using them. To top it all off, he then moved in with her (thank God) but didn't stop harassing me. He called every day, broke into my house a couple of times, ripped my security gate off it's hinges, slept with me (yes, I allowed it) and then waited for the school fete to tell me, in front of all the other parents, that I must accept that it's over and stop bugging him.

Can it get any worse you ask? Yes it can and it does. After the fete I started to call the new girlfriend every time he called me. I asked her nicely to ask him NOT to contact me anymore. Needless to say she didn't believe a word I said and probably believes that I am a pshyco to this day. This is not the problem and frankly I don't give a shit what she thinks of me, but if she wised up faster than me, she'd know I was not bullshitting.

After all that, I finally started divorce proceedings. I didn't want to. I cried every step of the way. I fell for him HARD and lived through 8 years of hell and then we're together and then we're not. Even after the divorce I let him move back in. Think it was only twice, but I could be mistaken. The last time I kicked him out it took about two weeks for him to start calling again. It still hasn't stopped. When I had my operation (dunno how he found out about it in the first place) he pitched up at the hospital, bear in hand and asked for my advice: He wanted to move 1500km away from me. Guess what I said :o)

It does NOT end there, he still calls. I humor him sometimes, but he is 1 500km away, so I figure a couple of phone calls from him lamenting on how he fucked up isn't too bad. At least he can't come over anymore. Mostly I just hang up.

What did I learn from him? There are some people that will not love you, no matter how much you love them & of course the whole thing with the leopard and the spots.

If I could have another chance with him, would I? No.

Did I love him? Hell yes. I hope I never have to love like that again!

If I could play him one song to sum up our relationship and how I feel now -song is about as mature as the relationship ever was-:

Fuck it - (I Don't Want You Back) EAMON
See, I dont know why
I liked you so much
I gave you all, of my trust
I told you,
I loved you, now thats all down the drain
Ya put me through pain,
I wanna let u know how I feel
Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back
Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back
You thought, you could
Keep this shit from me, yeah
Ya burnt bitch, I heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him head (I dunno if he gave anyone head, but I wouldn't be surprised!!!)
Now ya askin for me back
Ya just another act, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me
Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back
Ya questioned, did I care
You could ask anyone, I even said
Ya were my great one
Now its, over, but I do admit I'm sad.
It hurts real bad, I cant sweat that, cuz I loved a hoe
Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

And this one and this one. . .

PostSecret

My mom never told me I was fat, my stepdad did, and yes, I have a hang-up and yes, I want to loose the weight, DESPERATELY!!!

PostSecret with no comment for a change

From the past. . . .The first husband

What is the use of living if you can't learn something from every relationship that you've had right?

So here's to all the exes in order of appearance, not importance, who they are, how I percieved them and what I learnt from them. How's that for a heavy way to start the week! I started this post on Monday, but only finished it today. It was fun and entertaining to write, seriously. Mostly what I concluded is: WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? ? ?

So further to the post card off PostSecret's site...

But before I begin: I am sure that they feel pretty used themselves, but this isn't their blog now is it?!

1. The wanna-be 'Band' guy aka, father of my girls

How it got started? I blame it all on my Mom, really. I was and still am, very attached to my collection of Metal CD's. He played lead guitar in a friend of mine's band. It was inevitable. Mom bible bashed me about my music, believing that my taste in music is what caused me to be a rebel. Uhm no, I was a teenager add to that a molestation and a horrible stepdad, a recipe for disaster, so music was more of an escape route, an oulet if you will. Even Bon Jovi was 'satanic'. What a crock... that left there.

So we met up and started chatting. I had just finished 1st year of college and he was already working. I was 19, he was 23. And did I mention he play GUITAR, LEAD GUITAR. Wow, my fantasy of James Hetfield of Metallica (talent-wise) with the looks of something like Orlando Bloom (of course at that time, no-one knew who Orlando was, me included, keep in mind, this was '95). He was FASINATING. Into all sort of weird stuff like astrology (not superficially, a real in depth study) and could keep a conversation going with me, as long as we could speak about metaphysical stuff (for lack of a better word).

And then I introduced him to Mom. Her opinion was that he was the devil of the children's bible. Now, keep in mind that I am not a christian, but in those days I was a lot less tolerant of christians and believed that satanism was the way to go. Stupid, huh?

What the fuck was I thinking? ? ?

Why did it go wrong? Well, I could say it is because he had an affair, then I had one then he had another one and I did too, but in truth: it was over long before the affairs started. We lost interest in each other. We met in January, got engaged in March and we got hitched in September of '95. And, of course, as fate would have it, in May 96 we had a set of gorgeous twin girls. I think that this is just about the only thing that we have in common now.

My perception: he didn't want a wife, he wanted a fan club. Someone who would be just as interested in everything that he was interested in for as long as he was interested in it. I was at home with the little people, trying to do the suburban bliss thing and he had band practise and his metaphysical studies. We basically saw each other when we had supper and we didn't even always do that together, sometimes, he ate in his study. We ran out of things to say. We didn't even argue any more, we just passed each other by in the passage. It got so bad (the let me ignore you, physically, sexually and emotionally) that I ended up in the nuthouse. Once a year for 4 years, 4 weeks at a time. It wasn't all his fault, I also lost interest and we outgrew each other.

Did I love him? I dunno. The fact that I can't imagine ever having a life with him boggles my mind. When I see him there is no rush of old feelings coming back, no melancholy, no feelings of what could've been. Nothing, zip, nada. It is strange that I spent 4 years of my life with someone that I don't feel a thing for. It freaks me out that he absolutely HATES me. I don't understand it, really I don't. I don't hate him at all, like I said, he doesn't awaken or stir any feelings within me. Not even hate.

What did I learn from him? He always bragged about the fact that he was part of MENSA. Good for him, he taught me to not be a wise-ass no matter how intelligent you may be. He also taught me that Metallica had a lot more CD's out there that I thought. We bought them and I thrived on every 'new' song of theirs. He taught me to always put my children first and if they don't fit into my dreams and aspirations I need to adjust them to accommodate my kids first. He's still not figured that one out, poor thing. He taught me that men come and go, but friends are forever. . .

If I could have another chance with him, would I? No.

If I could play him one song to sum up our relationship and how I feel now:
Forget it - Rodrigues

But thanks for your time
Then you can thank me for mine
And after that's said
Forget it.

Don't be inane
There's no one to blame
No reason why
You should stay here
And lie to me.
Don't say anymore
Just walk out the door
I'll get along fine
You'll see.

But thanks for your time
Then you can thank me for mine
And after that's said
Forget it.

If there was a word
But magic's absurd
I'd make one dream come true.
It didn't work out
But don't ever doubt
How I felt about you. (all I can remember feeling towards the end is desperation to get outta there)

But thanks for your time
Then you can thank me for mine
And after that's said
Forget it.