Yesterday...

All credit and thanks to Metallica & AC/DC without whom this post wouldn't have made sense. I didn't have the words but they did :o) Thanks guys, you're the greatest!!

Welcome Home (Sanitarium)
Welcome to where time stands still
no one leaves and no one will
Moon is full, never seems to change
just labeled mentally deranged
Dream the same thing every night
I see freedom in my sight
No locked doors, No windows barred
No things to make my brain seem scarred
Sleep my friend and you will see
that dream is my reality
They keep me locked up in this cage
can't they see it's why my brain says Rage
Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Build my fear of what's out there
and cannot breathe the open air
Whisper things into my brain
assuring me that I'm insane
They think our heads are in their hands
but violent use brings violent plans
Keep him tied, it makes him well
he's getting better, can't you tell?

No more can they keep us in
Listen, damn it, we will win
They see it right, they see it well
but they think this saves us from our hell
Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone
Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Fear of living on natives getting restless now
Mutiny in the air
got some death to do
Mirror stares back hard
Kill, it's such a friendly word
seems the only way
for reaching out again.

What's the worse betrayal you've lived through? Did you forgive the betrayer and trust them again? Did they also do it to you again? My whole so-called support network was pulled out from under me last nite. The people I thought I could trust, who, in fact, PROMISED me to keep it confidential went and blabbed to the very people that I was trying to keep it from. This isn't the 1st incident with this betraying, belittling liar - it's happened many times before. Me being the gullible believer in the statement that people CAN change and that, if you give your word, it MEANS something, was once again proven wrong. As Robert de Nero said in Meet the Parents: My 'circle of trust' is getting smaller and smaller, in fact, it has almost disintegrated to none, or should I say VERY select few. So many things come to mind when I think of how ruthlessly the trust was violated and abused, but the one thing that makes me always the 'outcast' and 'blacksheep' in the family is that I cannot be bought.

So in my case, money DOESN'T talk and so I will NOT ask for help again. I'd rather live out of my car and eat dog food before I will ask for any help from these people ever again.
Was it really necessary to broadcast my request? What do people get out of humiliating others? Contentment and happiness from my humiliation? To make matters worse I told G we could trust, the worst that could happen was a 'no'. Fuck, was I ever proved wrong! ! !

Spending 400.00 on steak for a braai is not a biggie, spending more or less 100.00 on 'the other' daily is not an issue, ever. But god help me if I ask. So take this as you wish, if the glove fits and all that!!!

Money Talks
Tailored suits, chauffeured cars
Fine hotels and big cigars
Up for grabs, up for a price
Where the red hot girls keep on dancing through the night
The claim is on you
The sights are on me
So what do you do
That's guaranteed
Hey little girl, you want it all
The furs, the diamonds, the painting on the wall
Come on, come on, love me for the money
Come on, come on, listen to the moneytalk
Come on, come on, love me for the money
Come on, come on, listen to the moneytalk
A French maid, foreign chef
A big house with king size bed
You've had enough, you ship them out
The dollar's up - down, you'd better buy the pound
The claim is on you
The sights are on me
So what do you do
That's guaranteed
Hey little girl, you broke the laws
You hustle, you deal, you steal from us all
Come on, come on, love me for the money
Come on, come on, listen to the money talk
Come on, come on, love me for the money
Come on, come on, listen to the moneytalk
Money talks
Money talks, Bull Shit walks
Come on, come on, love me for the money
Come on, come on, listen to the money talk
Come on, come on, love me for the money
Come on, come on, listen to the money talk
Money talks, money talk, talk, talk
Hear it talk
Money talks

Apologies for loving you for more than just your money. I loved even when we were stone broke. Most of all, sorry for wishing and hoping that I trusted the right people - it won't happen again. That is not even a threat, it's a promise and I know how to keep a promise.

In front of me, I get told that I have a disease and I HAVE to take my tablets forever, ever so 'understanding'. Behind my back rumors are rife about what is said when I’m not there: I don't need the tablets and that I'm doing it to seek attention or what the hell ever you thought I take them for. Funny how the story always does full turn, it always comes out. More than one person confided in me on waht was said about it, it hurts you know. The truth shall set you free and the lie will always be revealed.

Doesn't this make it sound like both a two-facedness and a cowardly behaviour? Why not say it to my face, or as a matter of fact, straight to the other people that get talked about behind their backs too? If you have something to say about me, say it to my face, what's the worst than can happen? I might just respect the honesty and respect that this little action will bring about!

When did one person become supreme ruler of the circle? Why does one person get to decide who is allowed to know what about who and when 'in confidences' can be broken? I still believe the perception that is out there under the surface of everyone turning and reaching out for assurance and advise, but obviously nothing is sacred and the words 'in confidence' is a completely alien term...

We made ourselves vulnerable by asking and trusting, and it was used as a weapon to destroy our faith in this 'circle' and what it supposedly stands for. We are not pawns in a game, we are people with real feelings and fears. We're didn’t ask to be played with and manipulated or played up against anyone else. We are not clay that's pliable in the hands of whoever decides to deem themselves 'creator' or matriarch. We feel and, dammit, we HURT when we're betrayed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since we're talking trust here - please stop reading my blog, the URL was handed out when I still trusted, but the trust is destroyed and with it, the right to know my thoughts and feelings.