Just a 3cm one

It's been one of those days all week. All I need is a razor, I won't do much damage this time, I just want a 3cm little cut, a tiny one compared to the ones that I've done in the past.

We moved offices this week from own office to open plan. The idea is not too bad in theory, pratically though it sux. Imagine sharing a small space with Fran (The Nanny). This is my neighbour. That is not what is driving me up the wall...

..how do you prove to your significant other that you are not fucking around? I've done EVERYTHING in my power, even tagged him along to work with me to prove that I don't have a secret life. Can you imagine being told every day that you are as he says: indulging with others, in your secret life. I want to grab him and beat the shit out of him, honestly.

His previous chick fucked around and I am now paying for her sins. Bitch. That said, my ex fucked around and beat me up, so should I start accusing him of all those sins now?

I am soooooooo tired, I feel like telling him that I can see this is not going to work, because one of the things that make relationships work is trust. He obviously has serious issues with that and I can't seem to change his mind. The old saying: you can't change someone's mind for them seems appropriate.

I let him answer my cell phone, read my sms's, spend every waking moment with him and still the accusations come daily. WTF???

I even let him read my blog a couple of times, not even that changed his mind, because that just proves to him that I'd rather talk to other people than to him. J, M and Josef - what does he want me to do? If I mention it, it leads to a blow-up and I am way too tired for that.

Don't get me wrong - I love him to pieces, but I have got so much baggage of my own to carry I honestly can't carry his too. It makes me wonder if HE isn't having a little thing on the side and is chucking all the mistrust in my direction to divert attention away from what he is doing. This last thought is very disturbing, because it degrades me into the same paranoia that he has and I don't want to be like that.

The way I am feeling today: I would rather be alone and misarble than sharing a life with someone that MAKES me misrable. I am so paranoid myself that I can't even function at work anymore. I am always double checking myself to make sure that no conversation that I have or tasks that I do can be construed as erotic or even just friendly. So basically I am turning into a real sour plumb at work and other than him, the kids and my family I don't have a life anymore. Fuck the secret life, I don't a fucking life!!!!!

Tomorrow I might feel different, but today I feel like running, as fast as I can, razor blade in one hand and my 9mm in the other. As far away as I can get from him. I hate feeling like this, because his not a bad guy. Maybe I'm just a cold hearted cow?