How true is this??

I don't have days to count, because we don't have a date yet, BUT this is one of the reasons why. We had a great night last night, no argument, no stress, just relaxing, loving and playing.

Why can't it be like that every night? I can't get married yet - there are still too many issues around trust from his side. If he could learn to trust me to not mess around MAYBE we could consider setting a date and all that.

Today I have a lot to say

so buckle up, suck it up and listen up!

Oh my god. Postsecret does it again. I want to understand my feelings, but I'm not sure I want them to go away. After all, what would I be without feelings? For that matter what would anyone be without feelings? Sometimes I hate WHAT I'm feeling, but most of all I don't want it to go away.

Don't think anyone ever really knows what I'm feeling. My mom calls me "freddy"and quotes "the great pretender"as my theme song. It doesn't really affect me much anymore. That is what I choose for myself. Looking back I realise that I should have started talking less and cutting more AGES ago. I would have saved myself a lot of ridicule, pain and judgement. Hindsight's a bitch huh?


How fucking true is this?? What I thought was the relationship of the millinium has turned into a horror story. No not a horror story, a fucking freak show. I feel like eating his liver with some fiwer (spelling? I've never claimed to be a spelling whizz) beans and a good chianti. J, Mary and Joseph - I've never been so freaked in my life. Of course things are complicated: there is the financial side to consider, the fact that he is currently not able to work due to the IOD and that the company is only paying him 75% of his salary so it's close to impossible for him to move out. Also there is the really shit thing to consider: we really love each other, we just can't seem to get along.

As usual - this makes no sense whatsoever, but it's the gawd-awful truth.



Current feelings on live-in. I have sympathy: he just had an operation, he's at home all day, by himself, it boring.... I realise all this and I sympathise, BUT this does not give him the right to start bitching at me as soon as I walk in the door. Our conversation, verbatim:

Me: Hi there
Him: Hey. How was ur day.
M: Busy / Hectic / Boring
H: Did u have enough time for ur impromptu / secret lover / 'him'
M: There are no such things
H: I can see in ur eyes that u had sex with someone else
M: Fuck u, leave me alone

Nice huh?

This morning was the final shit honestly. I set my alarm for 6 am. As soon as the alarm goes off (even before I had time to switch it off, let alone have coffee or my morning fart) he starts. Not good morning, sleep well or any of that shit. Straight into paranoia: do I really mean nothing to you. you are showing me that I am of no importance in your life. you have been avoiding sex with me since Friday.

Why all of this you ask? The reason for the óutburst' is that he tried to cuddle up to me during the night and I kept moving away IN MY SLEEP. Keep in mind that it is the middle of summer in SA and the themometer hits and average of 31 deg cel. Add on to that the fact that we have no airconditioning and accordingly it seems to be a recipe for disaster. The reason for the 'sex-avoidance' is simple - he had an OPERATION on Friday and I am scared of hurting his arm. It will not be forever, but for now it is semi-dangerous.
Pretty self-explanatory if you read the comments regarding my welcome home and good morning.


Guys, if you've been off work for 10 weeks, please find something to amuse yourself with. Do NOT use the time to convince yourself that your girlfriend/lover/wife is out there looking for someone else to spend time with. Chances are 99% that that isn't even on her mind till you call her at work to find out if she's doing ánything wrong'.

And then WE get called paranoid? Ja right!!!

I wish!!!!

Via PostSecret

Just a 3cm one

It's been one of those days all week. All I need is a razor, I won't do much damage this time, I just want a 3cm little cut, a tiny one compared to the ones that I've done in the past.

We moved offices this week from own office to open plan. The idea is not too bad in theory, pratically though it sux. Imagine sharing a small space with Fran (The Nanny). This is my neighbour. That is not what is driving me up the wall...

..how do you prove to your significant other that you are not fucking around? I've done EVERYTHING in my power, even tagged him along to work with me to prove that I don't have a secret life. Can you imagine being told every day that you are as he says: indulging with others, in your secret life. I want to grab him and beat the shit out of him, honestly.

His previous chick fucked around and I am now paying for her sins. Bitch. That said, my ex fucked around and beat me up, so should I start accusing him of all those sins now?

I am soooooooo tired, I feel like telling him that I can see this is not going to work, because one of the things that make relationships work is trust. He obviously has serious issues with that and I can't seem to change his mind. The old saying: you can't change someone's mind for them seems appropriate.

I let him answer my cell phone, read my sms's, spend every waking moment with him and still the accusations come daily. WTF???

I even let him read my blog a couple of times, not even that changed his mind, because that just proves to him that I'd rather talk to other people than to him. J, M and Josef - what does he want me to do? If I mention it, it leads to a blow-up and I am way too tired for that.

Don't get me wrong - I love him to pieces, but I have got so much baggage of my own to carry I honestly can't carry his too. It makes me wonder if HE isn't having a little thing on the side and is chucking all the mistrust in my direction to divert attention away from what he is doing. This last thought is very disturbing, because it degrades me into the same paranoia that he has and I don't want to be like that.

The way I am feeling today: I would rather be alone and misarble than sharing a life with someone that MAKES me misrable. I am so paranoid myself that I can't even function at work anymore. I am always double checking myself to make sure that no conversation that I have or tasks that I do can be construed as erotic or even just friendly. So basically I am turning into a real sour plumb at work and other than him, the kids and my family I don't have a life anymore. Fuck the secret life, I don't a fucking life!!!!!

Tomorrow I might feel different, but today I feel like running, as fast as I can, razor blade in one hand and my 9mm in the other. As far away as I can get from him. I hate feeling like this, because his not a bad guy. Maybe I'm just a cold hearted cow?

PostSecret