There's a first time for everything

I'm still pissed off and depressed. It been a hell of a week. I'm going for a hystorectomy next week and I'm a little concerned. Yes, I wanted to have it, cause frankly, I have had enough of tampons and pads to last me two lifetimes, but when I went for the check-up and the doctor said it is no longer an elective procedure, but a compulsory surgery, I wasn't so sure that I wanted it anymore.

That was the first thing - let's face it, I don't like being told what to do and I like being told to go for an operation about as much as having a pap smear. Any woman will tell you that a pap smear is the WORST thing that can happen to you at the hands of a NORMAL doctor. The second thing is, no-one likes being told that they have all sorts of 'growths', that shouldn't be there in the first place.

I've heard some horror stories about doctors carving their initials into patients and such, but my doctor has never done anything so ludicous, I've been with him 14 years... He has yet to make a fuck-up on diagnosis or medication. Believe me, to treat me and have me walk out satisfied is a feat reserved for a saint.

I am depressed because....??

Probably because I am a one of the many lucky 8% of the population that sufferes from Biopolar Disorder, just a fancy medical name for fucking depressed and mostly suicidal, as well as having a unhealty obsession with, well, obsessing about what a failure you are. When you're down there in the muck, the only place to go is further down.

You can gradually get pulled out of it with strong medication and sheer force of his will to help you, from a good shrink. Actually, this is totally degressing from the point that I am trying to make with this post. I am a little more depressed than I normally am, have been on a constant rollercoaster again for about two months. The thing with Biopolar is, you're not always depressed, you have your highs and lows, basically it works on the same principle as gravity, what goes up, must come down. The higher the high, the lower the lows. And I've been REALLY high for a while and now the low-tide is coming in with full force.

What makes all the difference in the world this time, is that I know that getting involved in a relationship will not make it better. I guess that I've subconciously believed for most of my life, that having a successful relationship is the only way to 'be happy'. Lately, though, being happy to me, doesn't involve having a man in my life. Total unchartered territory for me.

I realise, more and more each day, that most of the things that hang over my head and has the ability to make me feel like I'm drowining with concrete blocks tied to my feet is because of my long and distinguised line of fucked up relationships. I'm not just talking boy-girl relationships; I'm talking about every kind of relationship that you can think of. The only semi-normal relationship that I've had was with my Dad, quite possibly because he was also Bipolar and understood that sometimes, the best way to help someone is to leave well enough alone.

So when I feel like I wish I could be sleeping with the fishes, I escape. This includes movies, books and my lovely array of M&M pills. No-one in the family can grasp the concept of complete withdrawal. I don't WANT to talk about it. I am TIRED of analysing it. I CAN'T see a way out. My future to me, looks all laid out. I've failed at being normal; I've failed at being a kid that a parent can be proud of, I'm a financial failure (more than I let on and more than anyone knows) and because of being so used to failure, I feel like I am probably a failure as a Mom too.
This should give you a kick: I'm even a failure at killing myself, so many tries so many failures!

Bright side: I also feel that I am too much of a failure to get involved in a relationship, because, big fucking surprise, I failed at all of those too. 2 failed marriages, much more than two failed love relationships and a string of failed 'cud've been' friendships. I have a tendency of being drawn to all the wrong types and they thrive while I wilt away. I'm tired of wilting, tired of being used, tired of being thrown out like old dishwater and mostly just too tired to do anything other than wish I could die already!

Since I can't trust myself to make the right decision when it comes to men, I've decided to not choose one at all. I avoid any form of socialising, I never meet new people if I can avoid it at all and most of all, I ignore my inner voice that tells me that I deserve better. I don't, I deserve every ounce of shit in my life, which is why, by avoiding meeting new people I also avoid being tempted into new friendships, relationships or bonds of any kind.

I have a responsibility towards my kids and I can't even keep that going. Hell of an example I'm setting - we're broke all the time, wondering where money for the next loaf of bread will come from, no babe, you can't go to the dance, I don't have money for entrance or the nice clothes that your friends are wearing or, for you to buy snacks with.

I am peddling water and my legs are really tired and so is my will to face the monster that is my life.. the financial inability to look after myself is paralizing me, which is affecting my ability to peddle the shit invested water.

Soon... maybe on the day of the operation. I am hoping that I never wake up from that one. It will be easier - no questions from anyone, just another tragic travesty of a woman who 'died to young'. I might be 31, but I feel ancient.

So, this post is to all the guys out there, especially the sleeze-balls: I'm off the market, so find someone else to target. I'm too tired to get involved and too suspicious to try again. As for the rest of you: give up on me. I did, a very long time ago...