PostSecret

Perfect as usual!

I WANT TO GO HOME

It sux big time, but I can't help it, the fucking wound doesn't want to get better, so I can't go thill all the stitches are out. I've had them in since the 13th and am, to say the very least, FUCKING IRRITATED.

Also, been in contact with good ol' Grim. On Thursday night (till 4am) we were smsing to and fro. Yes I realise I'm not supposed to, and yes, it makes me sad and ever since, well, let's just say that I haven't quite been myself. I miss him.

Last nite, after my normal dose of pills and some tabs that I've never taken and will never take again, I had a 'bad' nite. That is when you get up, despite all you pills and you're off balance and waddle around like a zombie, your tongue slurrs as well. Unfortunately for me, mom was around to see it, so now we're not talking. It's not 'being caught', its her going around and telling everyone in the family before 9 this morning. When I told her I didn't appreciate her talking to everyone about me, she said she won't apologise, because she doesn't think she did anything wrong.

Ok, don't apologise, it won't change the fact that I feel betrayed. Oh, and of course, then it came down to: I'm a bad mother (again) and she is going to call my doctor. Well whoopy fucking doo, he is just going to tell her to piss off. And this won't be the first time.

So now I'm avoiding her in her own house. Lovely.

I want to go home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3 guesses who I'd like to play this to?

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along...

But then again, why waste a good song on an idiot?

The thing about addiction

Everyone is addicted to something. My vices are coffee, cigarettes, anti-depressants, sleeping pills and apparently blogging :o)

I've recently realised that my Mom is addicted to the internet and obsessed by crime in South Africa. I've been staying here since my discharge from the hospital last week Sunday and I promise I've never seen anything like it. She works from home most days and spends most of the day logged into www.crimexpo.org

It's a great idea the website, but it's scary how much time she spends reading all the posts and newsflashes et al. She even gets twitchy if she can't log on at least every hour.

Not only is it this website, but the internet in general, surfing for any and all crime stats relating to South Africa. It's all good and well to be concerned, but shit, this is just too much. I don't know what to do to make it stop.

I kid you not when I say her eyes gloss over and she can't hear a word you say when she's on the site, it's like watching a heroine addict after a hit, the blank expression and shutting out the world.

To make things worse, my stepdad is also an internet junkie. Seriously, the only time you see him is when he leaves his study to make coffee or to go outside for a smoke. They're both as pale as ghosts and I suspect they suffer from a bit of depression, but I believe theirs can be cured by a good dose of Vitamin D from getting a bit of sun.

We have boiling hot summers here, but it's only spring, so the sun is just right and there's always a breeze blowing. If I could just get them outside. I'm thinking Format C:, but that will give them a greater excuse to spend more time behind the PC's to 'fix' them.

Sheesh, you can't win!

My idiocy knows no boundaries

All badges dedicated to my 'dear friend', The Grim Reaper!

Yesterday I got this call - it was the Grim Reaper's best friend's wife (let's call her A). I've been really good in ignoring all his sms's declaring his 'still true love' and 'I miss you so muches'. I was so proud of myself, but yesterday I lost it.

I know he is a conniving son of a bitch and a liar (he could've been a politician), but I was pissed off (again) by his fucking arrogance. Here's what the phone call entailed:

After the pleasantries were exchanged, she launched into a 20 minute discussion about how he was now dating her husband's sister and how the move across country was not for better job opportunities, but in reality to chase after this girl. At this point I was still okay with the conversation, no hassles, I've suspected for ages that he's already 'moved on'. In fact, I think he moved on even before he moved out.

Then she started telling me that the new girlie was complaining about his in bed tactics. Bear in mind that the last time we spoke (about a week ago) he was crying over the phone and telling me that the last time he had sex was with me and he wants that to be linger with him, because, according to him, I am the best in bed of all the girls that he's been with, and believe me, there have been plenty. I did not need to know this. In fact I was so upset that I had to take something to calm me down. I hate taking the blue pills during the day, but had no choice, I have 50 clips in my stomach and couldn't exercise the shit out of my system like I would normally do.

I then decided the only way that I will feel better is if I let him know that I KNOW. So I sms'd him: 'I hear that you're going to the other side of the country to follow a pussy that you can't satisfy. You were always a lousy lay, think you'd better work on that, and while you're practicing, get your dick enlarged too, cause you're underendowed." I actually got a reply: " :o( what did I do to you that you are so pissed off?"

Gee, the list is long, didn't know where to start, so I ignored it.

Can someone out there PLEASE explain to me why this info overshare from A got to me? It didn't just scratch the surface, it struck there where I was convinced that I'd covered it with steel plates.

I know I don't want him back in my life, that much at least hasn't changed, but fuck I'm upset. Worst is I don't know if I'm hurt or angry or both. It's just this knot in the middle of my stomach that I'm too scared to approach and unravel.

Think that it might be that I'm just angry that I believed, for a brief moment, that he still cared, only to find out that he's lied about that, again and I kinda believed it, again. Even though it didn't change anything or open the 'another chance' option, it's still nice to think that there is someone out there that cares and wants you.

Some days, like today and yesterday, I realise again, that I am even more FUCKED up than I am willing to admit to myself or anyone else. How can this possibly upset me - I KNOW (or should've at least) what a lying prick he is. Jesus, I am SUCH a loser.

Who is the bigger idiot here? Me for letting him get to me again or him, giving up his job, selling his car and moving across country after a girl? I don't have the answer, but in theory I think I win the idiot competion by a head or so.

A new week, new secrets

Via PostSecret
The post under this postcard read "Instead of cutting myself, I read your postcard."

Cutting is, according to my Mom 'fucking stupid' and reserved for teenage girls. Huge misconception. I'm 31, I cut. Main reason: sometimes you're cried out, but you still feel like crying and you have to get those emotions out of your body somehow - cutting works. It's that simple.


It always is. There is no such thing as an 'accidental' overdose, cut on a wrist, taking a jump off a building, but you pretend it was an accident, makes it easier for those around you and you can half heartedly bullshit yourself into believing if you REALLY tried, you wouldn't have fucked that up as well....

We haven't forgotten!

No-one can say that they've forgotten, this is THE most traumatic event of our century.

You are still in our hearts and in our thoughts and we will not let the world forget.

Facing the harsh truth...

...it is, after all, MONDAY!!!!

Click on the banner for a reality check!

PostSecret has updated

PosSecret has some thought provoking one's this week.

Christmas isn't the best time of the year for me, but I know what it feels like to wait for a specific date to want to do this.... I can't post mine, that'd be a dead give-away and too many friends and family read this blog, so I'm actually pretty reserved in what I post here.

If I'm reserved here, can you imagine how shit I actually really feel. Maybe I should open another blog and keep it to myself?

Not just some days, every day!


I never got to dance with my dad on my 1st wedding, by the time the second once came around, he'd already passed away. I do believe that I will someday get that dance...

Some people might interpret this as sick, to me it makes perfect sense. If you have a great dad like I did, there is no place in the world that makes you feel safer than when you're in his arms, even just for a 5 second hug. I know for a fact that, when your dad is great, this is as true as the sunset. I see it everytime that my girls hug their dad. Sometimes seeing it makes me miss my Dad so much that the longing for him seems to be the only thing that exists at that moment.

To all the dads out there, hug your children often, that is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.

There's a first time for everything

I'm still pissed off and depressed. It been a hell of a week. I'm going for a hystorectomy next week and I'm a little concerned. Yes, I wanted to have it, cause frankly, I have had enough of tampons and pads to last me two lifetimes, but when I went for the check-up and the doctor said it is no longer an elective procedure, but a compulsory surgery, I wasn't so sure that I wanted it anymore.

That was the first thing - let's face it, I don't like being told what to do and I like being told to go for an operation about as much as having a pap smear. Any woman will tell you that a pap smear is the WORST thing that can happen to you at the hands of a NORMAL doctor. The second thing is, no-one likes being told that they have all sorts of 'growths', that shouldn't be there in the first place.

I've heard some horror stories about doctors carving their initials into patients and such, but my doctor has never done anything so ludicous, I've been with him 14 years... He has yet to make a fuck-up on diagnosis or medication. Believe me, to treat me and have me walk out satisfied is a feat reserved for a saint.

I am depressed because....??

Probably because I am a one of the many lucky 8% of the population that sufferes from Biopolar Disorder, just a fancy medical name for fucking depressed and mostly suicidal, as well as having a unhealty obsession with, well, obsessing about what a failure you are. When you're down there in the muck, the only place to go is further down.

You can gradually get pulled out of it with strong medication and sheer force of his will to help you, from a good shrink. Actually, this is totally degressing from the point that I am trying to make with this post. I am a little more depressed than I normally am, have been on a constant rollercoaster again for about two months. The thing with Biopolar is, you're not always depressed, you have your highs and lows, basically it works on the same principle as gravity, what goes up, must come down. The higher the high, the lower the lows. And I've been REALLY high for a while and now the low-tide is coming in with full force.

What makes all the difference in the world this time, is that I know that getting involved in a relationship will not make it better. I guess that I've subconciously believed for most of my life, that having a successful relationship is the only way to 'be happy'. Lately, though, being happy to me, doesn't involve having a man in my life. Total unchartered territory for me.

I realise, more and more each day, that most of the things that hang over my head and has the ability to make me feel like I'm drowining with concrete blocks tied to my feet is because of my long and distinguised line of fucked up relationships. I'm not just talking boy-girl relationships; I'm talking about every kind of relationship that you can think of. The only semi-normal relationship that I've had was with my Dad, quite possibly because he was also Bipolar and understood that sometimes, the best way to help someone is to leave well enough alone.

So when I feel like I wish I could be sleeping with the fishes, I escape. This includes movies, books and my lovely array of M&M pills. No-one in the family can grasp the concept of complete withdrawal. I don't WANT to talk about it. I am TIRED of analysing it. I CAN'T see a way out. My future to me, looks all laid out. I've failed at being normal; I've failed at being a kid that a parent can be proud of, I'm a financial failure (more than I let on and more than anyone knows) and because of being so used to failure, I feel like I am probably a failure as a Mom too.
This should give you a kick: I'm even a failure at killing myself, so many tries so many failures!

Bright side: I also feel that I am too much of a failure to get involved in a relationship, because, big fucking surprise, I failed at all of those too. 2 failed marriages, much more than two failed love relationships and a string of failed 'cud've been' friendships. I have a tendency of being drawn to all the wrong types and they thrive while I wilt away. I'm tired of wilting, tired of being used, tired of being thrown out like old dishwater and mostly just too tired to do anything other than wish I could die already!

Since I can't trust myself to make the right decision when it comes to men, I've decided to not choose one at all. I avoid any form of socialising, I never meet new people if I can avoid it at all and most of all, I ignore my inner voice that tells me that I deserve better. I don't, I deserve every ounce of shit in my life, which is why, by avoiding meeting new people I also avoid being tempted into new friendships, relationships or bonds of any kind.

I have a responsibility towards my kids and I can't even keep that going. Hell of an example I'm setting - we're broke all the time, wondering where money for the next loaf of bread will come from, no babe, you can't go to the dance, I don't have money for entrance or the nice clothes that your friends are wearing or, for you to buy snacks with.

I am peddling water and my legs are really tired and so is my will to face the monster that is my life.. the financial inability to look after myself is paralizing me, which is affecting my ability to peddle the shit invested water.

Soon... maybe on the day of the operation. I am hoping that I never wake up from that one. It will be easier - no questions from anyone, just another tragic travesty of a woman who 'died to young'. I might be 31, but I feel ancient.

So, this post is to all the guys out there, especially the sleeze-balls: I'm off the market, so find someone else to target. I'm too tired to get involved and too suspicious to try again. As for the rest of you: give up on me. I did, a very long time ago...

PostSecrets for this week

This is how all my relationships have ended. I prefer not to lie anymore, but if I find out that you're bullshitting me, all bets are off.

Been worse lately: the whole hell hath no fury... which is why I prefer to be single.

One of my buds is coming over for dinner tonight - he is on a vicious rebound and is probably going to try his luck, in which case I'll have to assult him with my 2kg dumbell!

I have still to meet a friend that can't play on my emotions: One of them, that hasn't been in touch for almost three months, suddenly starts getting sms's and mailing again and not even a week later I find out that there's a favor that said friend would like to ask. Funny that.

Anyway there are two postcards for this week, below is no 2:

This one speaks for itself. I did get my kicks (and my kids) when I was really young. Suprisingly: having the kids didn't interfere with getting my kicks. Ironically: now I get most of my kicks FROM my kids. They're a hoot!

Boris Valejo

All pics copyrighted to Boris Valejo and all that blah, blah bullshit...


Highlights my belief that the only good man is a dead one. See how relaxed she is now that they aren't there to irritate the living shit out of her?


Warrior chick. I am entitled to percieve and interpret this as I please. I think she is searching for the serpent dude, when she finds him she will try to seduce him and make him her bitch or she will kill him - either way - she wins :o)


Queen of an American First Nations Tribe (for those of you that are clueless or just plain rude: Indians). Fact: Did you know that the 'elders' in these tribes were the woman? The chief had to listen to what the 'elders' had to say and yield to their decisions. And people ask me why I am so facinated by their culture and beliefs . . . it's because they had it right from the start!