Magnificent

These are bloody marvelous! My fav's 1, 2, 4, 5, 7. Somehow I find them inspiring... Anyone agree?

PostSecret Pick of the week

Click on postcard to view the entire PostSecret site.

All the postcards that I publish have significant meaning to me and I try to explain why everytime I post one.

This one is of such baring on my life that I got chills when I saw it. This is a clippet of a mail that I sent to my Mom yesterday:

1. "Sentence for molesting a 10 year old girl: R 500 fine and 3 year suspended sentence. Damage to said girl….abnormal sex-drive, depression, inability to commit to decent men, always settling for someone who mistreats her blah, blah, blah
2. Sentence for indecent assault: 5 year suspended sentence. Damage to girl….reaffirmation that she is a slut, although she didn’t seduce the guy – according to his lawyer anyone that invites a ‘strange’ man into their house is asking for it. According to the pervert I made it all up etc, etc….
3. Ruling in maintenance hearing where father earns R 20 000 & mother R 6 300 – father gets COMMENDED by judge for his behavior in paying maintenance every month and fucks mother through the ears. Damage: not to mother so much as to kids, no more money for school expeditions, no more money for petrol to visit family & friends, no more ‘fun’ money, no more little incentive gifts for good marks in school. For mom: ITC listing – probable outcome – being placed under administration – effect on kids: moving every year, cause mother can never buy own property. On the trauma scale moving is right on top, so what am I doing? Traumatising my children. Is ALL of it their dad’s doing: no, but it would be nice if he could carry SOME of the responsibility of caring for them."

The victim in all of these court cases was me, in case you were wondering. I try not to live like a 'victim' with self-pity and all that, but some days it is impossible to believe that the whole world isn't out to get me.

I have no faith in the justice system, no faith in men, no faith in my fellow man (and woman). The worst is that for 28 years I was a firm believer that there HAS to be good in all people. I have never grieved more than I did the day I realised that it wasn't true, some people are just EVIL. No-one can make this better for me. I am too old now to suddenly meet a great guy and be all happy and content, what I do appreciate about myself is the fact that I am no longer looking and that I've made peace with it and with all the other shit. The only people I truely trust are my kids. Unfortunately I also realise that that will change too as they grow up, but for now, I love 'em, trust 'em and that is enough for me.

What makes it worse? You can never tell the difference until it's too late.

PostSecret had brilliant ones this week

I couldn't decide on just one this week, so I posted these, see comments below for why I can identify.


This is more of a wish that a dark secret. I hope that someone will one day feel this way about me, not now, but someday...


I really do. How nice was it to be small and able to believe that all people are good and loving. It sux when you get molested (I was 4 the 1st time) and your whole belief system is torn apart. Before my divorce I still believed that below the surface, there is good in everyone, I hated it when I found out that it's not true of all people, some are just evil and hatefull and there is nothing you can do to change that.

No shit Sherlock. Like the postcard said last week: I lie to make my life seem normal. I also lie to make my life seem interesting and to make people believe that I am someone I'm not. I have a lot of guilt and resentment (gee, you'd never guess from reading my blogs!!) and sometimes, I just pretend cause it's easier to pretend than to explain.

Anyway, hope you guys have a great week!

It's Monday and I'm sick ...

..Yuck, I hate being sick, throat is dry and scratchy, coughing like the old smoker that I am, chest on fire, body aching like I'm riddled with arthiritis.... Going to the doctor later the morning, I figured I might as well, cause I need to pick up a script for my kiddie. How sad is it that a 10 year old is on anti-depressants? How shit do I feel for passing it on?

Weekend was okay I guess. Had a 'friend' over on Saturday. This is going to sound harsh, but it's really how I feel. I adore his daughter, but he gives me the heeby-geebies. He insistist on kissing me hi and bye en every time I feel like I need to have a bath afterward. He smells like old smoke, sweat and something else, I'm not sure what it is but it pongs. His daughter, on the other hand, is very hygenic and a real little doll. I will have her over anytime, but unfortunately she and her dad come as a package.

God knows, I have never been so grossed out by anyone in my entire life. I'd rather kiss a homeless person, I am not talking tongue hockey here, I'm talking shorter kisses that I give my Mom.

How do I break it to the guy that next time he kisses me, I will kick him in the balls?

He is a nice enough guy and nothing is ever too much trouble for him when I say I need something, but although I have told him a million times or more (and I am not exaggerating) I can still see that he hopes I will eventually come around and give him a chance - it will never happen. When he sleeps over (on the couch ALWAYS) I wash the couch and the bedding the next day, that is how much he grosses me out.

I've decided that I am going to tell him that he can't kiss me anymore, because people are getting the wrong idea. I just hope this works!!

Girls: never get to know a guy via sms, mostly they seem fantastic over the phone and you are expecting a hunk, then he turns out to be the frog prince and no amount of kissing will change him to NOT be full of warts, cause the witch that turned him died ages ago and the curse is now permanent.

What makes it all worthwhile?

Heaven - Live

You don't need no friends
get back your faith again
you have the power to believe
another dissident
take back your evidence
it has no power to decieve
I believe it
when I see it
for myself

I don't need no one
to tell me bout heaven
I look at my daughter
and I believe
I don't need no proof
when it comes to god and truth
I can see the sunset
and I perceive

Sit with them all night
everything they say is right
but in the morning they were wrong
I'll be right by your side
come hell or water high
down any road you choose to roam
I believe it
when I see it
for myself

I don't need no one
to tell me bout heaven
I look at my daughter
and I believe
I don't need no proof
when it comes to god and truth
I can see the sunset
and I precieve
darling I believe
sometimes it's hard to breathe
at the bottom of the sea

I believe it
when I see it
for myself

I don't need no one
to tell me bout heaven
I look at my daughter
and I believe
I don't need no proof
when it comes to god and truth
I can see the sunset
and I precieve

I don't need no one
to tell me bout heaven
I look at my daughter
and I believe
I don't need no proof
when it comes to god and truth
I can see the sunset
I don't need no one
to tell me bout heaven
I believe

The Grim Reaper Strikes Again

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST MIGHT DISTURB SENSITIVE READERS!!

This is going to be a ranting post with a lot of swearing - Stop reading right now if you're offended by swear words...

The fucken cunt. He tried to call me this morning, I DON'T know which part of fuck off and leave me alone he has trouble understanding. I kept hanging up, I've been ignoring his sms's and haven't made any contact from my side.

After 7 missed calls on my cell and more or less 5 on my work number ( I just hang up as soon as he says hallo ) I got this sms from him "I hope your life from here on out will be unhappy and full of shit. I am glad that A_ _ _ died so that she didn't have to grow up to see what a bitch her mother is. I hope that the twins never want to be like you."

Well, that was all I needed, an opportunity to get off my chest what I have been carrying in me, which I could not tell him out of respect for the fact that he might also still be recovering from her death. Ideal circumstances to tell him my darkest secret: he killed her.

The Friday night that she got ill, we went out on his insistance. We went out to supper to celebrate his birthday. I did not want to go. I tried everything to convince him that we should rather have a nice dinner at home and at the same be able to keep an eye on her, but NO that wasn't good enough, so after crying and begging we eventually went out. He has this 'gift' to nag you into submission - he will NOT stop till he gets his way.

Since I felt I had nothing to loose and everything to gain from this golden opportunity I let rip via sms and I am hoping that after this batch of sms's he will (finally) leave me the fuck alone.

This is what I sent: "I am glad she didn't get to grow up to see what a loser her father is. I am glad she never got to know that you are an alcoholic, she deserved better. If anyone was responsible for her death it was you. You were so pissed that you couldn't take me to hospital after we went out, and I couldn't drive myself." Then he replied: "U know i was at work and i took u to the hospital. and u know that me drinking hadnothing to do with her death. so stop ur shit now u are very demented. i am sory that you feel like this but i hope that u are happy with who ever u are with." That wasn't true, was he at work? Uhm, no, he wasn't so I proceeded to ask "Do you recall your birthday at all? You weren't at work, but you were drunk as usual or were you so drunk that you can't remember that night at all." At this point I suspect that I hit a nerve.

He is not the best speller out there, so I requested, very decently, that if he sms's me he should make sure of his spelling, suggesting that he attend spelling classes. This is the reply that I got, letter for letter: "that is very fucked up of u. i will not stup (?) to ur level becase (?) u can't get lower than u. i just realy hope ur kids will be able to live thier(?) lives not trying to be like the mother and rather rebel against u. i think u have to appoligeze (?) to her for ur fucked up life." Note that this is a direct quote letter for letter from his sms and that his 1st language is English.

After the lovely one above I did send one last one which read: "I am not demented, I suffer from depression and at least I've sought help for it. You are a total alchie and a loser and there is no hope of help for u. If you ever come near me, my kids, my house or my work, I will have u locked up for harassment. I will say again what I've been trying to tell you since you moved out. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE."

He sent another one or two sms's all drivel, so I didn't even bother responding. Except for the second last one which read: "If u put a spell on me I will do something really bad to u." I couldn't help but send: "How on earth will you know it was me? You have so many enemies that it could be anyone. The point of spells are to hurt someone without physically getting close to them. I haven't put a spell on you...yet, but if u keep up this shit, I can't guarantee anything." Thereafter my phones were blissfully quiet!

Why do I do it?

Nothing can be added to this one to make it more interesting or true. Thanks Postsecret.

Of Love Stories and Horror Movies

Am I the only person that can see that there is not much difference between a horror movie and a love story?

The last couple of weeks I have been leaving the movie decisions up to the guy at the video store, cause quite frankly - I haven't been in the right frame of mind to choose a movie. Also, we disagree I say that there is no such thing as undying, devoted love between a man and a woman, he maintains that there is and wanted to prove his point by movie...

Hiring a good movie is deciding what to do with your time. It is an important decision: if you hire a great movie you feel like your life has been enriched by watching it or you might've even been able to grab a life lesson or two from it. When you hire a bad movie, well, you end up being pissed off for wasting almost two hours of your life watching the piece of shit.

So movies I've seen this past month, thanks to the video store guy:

If Only: What a shitty movie, you get so entralled with the characters and then, just when you think you know where you're at in the movie, they change the ending and you end up sniffing alone over your box of tissues in the corner.

Prime: Likewise for this one. Only thing that's different is in this one, the two main characters overcome ALL the obsticles that they're faced with and then decide they love each other too much to be together... Good watch though, Guy = 23; Girl = 37; he's Jewish, she's not, his mother is her therapist. Well worth it, shitty ending notwithstanding.

Tristan and Isolde: Romeo and Juliet meets Lancelot and Guinneviere

Zaphera: Boardgame gone bad, Jumanji in space.

Racing Stripes: Brilliant; Ebony & Ivory (lalalala)...!

Jumanji: Boardgame gone bad, includes lots of wild animals.

Eight Below: True story about a guy's love for his sledding dogs. Worth a watch, even if you're not all that into dogs, and if you're not into dogs, what are you doing reading my blog? I am a doglover of note and will sniff out any non-doggie-diggers out there!!

One's in red were chosen by kids.

So, my theory is this: in horror movies you KNOW a couple of people are gonna end up on the recieving end of a {insert word here i.e. knife, hockey stick, gun, possession} and in a love story, someone inevidably gets hurt. I'd much rather be hacked to death than get hurt again!

This post then is especially for the guy at the video store: thanks for the choice in movies, but, as per our conversations during the trips to the store: I still think I'm right, none of the movies ended 'happily' nor did they in any way inspire me to want to be in that position again, so you just proved my point; the only certainty in life is death and I'd rather be dead than in love again...

As for the kids, I love watching movies with them: it is as entertaining to watch their reactions to the movies as it is to watch the actual films themselves. Once again, they win the prize for showing that SOME loves are worth it; all the mom's and pet owners out there will know what I mean :o)

~~~~~~~~~~~

How sad and pathetic is this: I don't feel like I have anything of value to say today. I miss people that aren't around and I'm creating gaping voids in the relationships that I do have. I am an idiot.

Postsecret has updated


I'd like to add to this and say that I am also VERY worried about how reationary I am as well, especially lately.

Weekend (or is that WEAKend)?

My children have a better social life that I do. Tonight they are going for a sleepover (the joys of having twins, they get invited to the same places at the same time). Tomorrow they are going to a movie party and Sunday is Sunday school. Yes, I know I'm a pagan, but Gran and Great Gran insisted that I let them give Christianity a fair chance. So they go to Sunday school, but only when they want to. Unlike me, they will never be forced.

So , whatever am I going to do all by myself tonight? That is the question. I am all out of books, don't have some spare cash stashed away for a DVD and have no plans. Well, actually, I do, but posting them here will just lead to mass hysteria and I simply don't have the energy to deal with that right now.

Tomorrow, at least, there are two rugby games that I need to watch, instead of cheering me up though, it is making the thought of suicide seem more appealing by the minute! Imagine having to set through 80 minutes per game, watching both your teams get TRASHED on the field.

I am a sucker for Fridays. I endevour to make Friday my 'happy' day. Today I am failing miserably. I desperately want to go home and hide under the covers for the rest of the day. This is, for course, not an option, it is only 11:00 am here and I still have an entire workday ahead of me. I'm considering bribing my boss to give me the afternoon off. If he was in the office, it would've been done ages ago, but just my luck, he is in a meeting for the rest of the day. Will my lucky streak never end?

As for my love life, it is blissfully quiet. I still have the occational call from TGR (The Grim Reaper), but for the most part I manage to avoid those calls. Tonight will suck, cause when the girls aren't at home, I have to leave my cell on the whole night, which means if he calls and hears that it's on, I will probably have a 4am visit again, cause I'm sure as shit no taking any calls from him.

I have made up my mind that this time I will not be a pissy, I will call the cops.

What will really piss me off is if any of my friends do the imprompto 'drop in for coffee's'. I am having a Za-Za Gabor moment again: "I vant to be alone". I am planning to go home, drag myself through a bath and then go straight to bed. I will not pass the kitchen to make supper, I will not collect R 100 from anyone .... u get the picture I'm sure.

This is me, signing off then. Hope you have a better weekend plan than I do? If not, take heart in knowing that you're not alone if you plan on wallowing in you misery.

Perfect

Dear Emily,

Thank you for your insight. I wish I'd thought of this with either of the ex husbands. That would've been incredible!

For all the girls out there: make sure you take time to visit http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com and get some of your own back.

PostSecret: My own one

I couldn't, and this is a first, find a postcard to relate to on PostSecret so I made my own...