Blindsided

Ever watch Survivor? The person that gets voted out at tribal council talks to the camera afterwards and says "I never saw it coming, I was totally blindsided" and then they talk about feeling betrayed and mention things like wind being taken out of their sails etc. While you shake your head, tsk-tsk and pretend to understand.

I never understood, not really, till I had the same thing done to me. It's feels like you've been punched in the gut, so hard that it makes your eyes water and you can't actually breathe really well and then you think to yourself: how the HELL did I not see this coming?

"Our virtues are most frequently but vices disguised" - F Duc de La Rochefoucauld

What if your vice is your friends? That would automatically mean that your virtues are based on the strengh of your friendships. So if you found out that one of your dearest (which doesn't mean longest) friendships was a farce? If the person on the other end of this relationship, because friendships ARE relationships, supposedly without all the shitty feelings that a love-relationship has, didn't trust you enough to tell you a secret. A secret that, if you'd known sooner, you could have prepared for. A secret that left you feeling like you've been made a fool of, slapped through the face, had your chest ripped open and had said friend shit on your lungs, just for good measure?

A secret, that if told on time, so to speak, could have saved you more or less a million embarrassing words, which were wrenched out of you, cause you needed to make your friend feel better, needed to make friend believe that "it" is not as bad as 'it' thinks it is. And then you share your dreams with it and it just sits there and licks it up like the dog that it is, because it has forgotten that it is also human and needs to feel wanted just like the rest of us.

This secret would've been better told about two weeks ago. Can I explain why? Yes I can. Do I know why this hurts so much? Yes. Do I want to blog it? No.

"To be once in doubt is once to be resol'd" - Shakespear, Othello

Once you start doubting your friends, the friendship crumbles. The very pillars of friendship are, after all, trust, honesty and love (the brotherly kind).

What I would like to do is point some facts out to those people who take trust and friendship for granted.

1. Don't let your friends make fools out of themselves so you can soothe your fucking fragile ego; the other person has feeling too and in my case as in many others, hearing my secrets helped to boost YOUR ego and left me feeling like a fool, no not a fool, a FUCKING idiot;
   
2. Don't let your friends feel that you used them and now that you've gotten out of life what it is you THINK that you want, you push them aside. Mark my words - K A R M A - the wheel turns and this will come back to bite your ass. Probably also when you least see it coming.
   
3. Don't expect an honest answer from them once you've hurt them.

The worst part of the whole experience was the way 'friend' thought by coming clean there is absolution to be had and that the 'well-wishes' that rolled from me automatically were sincere.

Who is the biggest fool? Me for the automatic "wishing well" or friend for actually believing it and not realising that whatever there was died in that instant, along with the tiniest little microscopic piece of my soul where our friendship used to shine.

Hope y'all have a fucking spectacular weekend - I'm sure mine will be. Ha-ha. Seriously - I wish I could drink, but that's life and he's (life) a bastard!!