The Grim Reaper and the letter 4

It's true, he is alive and well and living in my house. It all started out okay, the ex husband coming back, convincing me the divorce was a gigantic mistake and we are destined to be together and all that jazz.

How do you rectify one mistake with another? If you're me, this is not a challenge or difficult to do, since you do it on a daily basis. So, I let him move back in, focussing on only remembering the good times and hiding the bad ones in the inner most recesses of my mind.

On 7 May he just could hold it in anymore and he pulled one of his allnighters. Didn't come home till 4. By which time I was of course pissed off enough to have locked all the doors and turned off my cell phone. Reaper man decided that climbing through the kitchen window is an excellent idea. The kids nearly had a stroke and I wasn't far behind.

That left there, when he eventually woke up from his druken stupor, it was all apologies and "I promise it will never happen again"s. So I give the dude the benefit of the doubt (again).

Low and behold this weekend rolls around and he decides that 'his boss is going away so he needs to house sit, but Babes, you don't have to worry, you know where the house is, so come there at any time'. So I played it, waited till about 9 on Friday, and asked, okay, so where are you, cause I'm @ ______ house and there is no-one here.

He freaked out and came up with some lame story about going to buy more beer and getting pulled over by the cops. Just picture this in your head for one moment.... excuse me officer, hold my beer while I answer my phone... right.

So @ 4 on Saturday morning, he beats down the door again just to ask me if I am upset. No shit sherlock. I wanted to kill him. I am an insomniac, so when I do eventually get some shut eye with the help of my concoction of tabs from my shrink, don't fuck with my sleepy time!!!

Saturday night his phone was turned off and he didn't let me know if he was coming home or where he was or if he was alive for that matter. Sunday morning 7:00 ( I kid you not ), he decides that he should come get some warm clothes, so he waltzes in like he's never been away, get warmer clothes and ducks again. He came back home at 16:00 (4).

He doesn't understand why I asked him to move out, he keeps calling me and saying he can't live without me and he is sorry et al. To quote Madonna: "I've heard it all before..."

How's this for a text message: "I love you, I need you and I am sorry. Please love me back" Is that not the most selfish thing you've heard in your entire life?

This morning he complained about having to sleep on the couch - his back is now all bent out of shape and to top it all off, he has to work with that sore back. What he doesn't seem to grasp is that I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE!!!!!!!!

I wish him all the pain he caused me, with interest.

Last year he did this to me as well - but get this - he was then seeing another parent at the same school as my kids. He actually USED the girls to pick this chick up and then he very publically announced in the middle of the school fete, that he doesn't want to 'see' me anymore.

Am I wrong in not wanting to give him another chance? I think he's had plenty. Am I worng in wishing him away? Am I wrong in thinking that I will not allow him to push me into another nervous breakdown?

I am scared, I see all the signs of breaking down again.... lack of concentration, irritability, aggression directed towards people that don't deserves it etc.

Do I save myself this time or do I do what I always do and put him and the kids first?

I know they need the stability of a 'family' in their life, but where is the rule written that the 3 of us can't be a family??