Not just a friend - ANYONE in my life.

On religion

My stepbrother recently converted to Islam. He's a great kid, he lives on the other side of the world (literally) and is here for his yearly visit. Well, I say kid, but he'll be 20 soon, so that is just my perspective.

Mom decided he will NOT pray in her house. If that isn't mayor invasion of privacy and just plain ridiculous, then I am probably just someone's imaginary friend. Mom's a Christian. Apparently this gives her the right to decide what will happen 'under her roof'. Sure - that was really a deterrent when I started having sex, as I am sure, it was for my sis.... for all my Christian upbringing, I turned out Wiccan - what a disappointment.

Mom's very aware of the fact that I have a broom that I don't use to sweep my floor and candles that are only burned at certain occasions and in a certain order and that I have an altar in my house, but, as they say, ignorance is bliss. She simply chooses to ignore the fact that I am not a christian. And when we have heated discussions like we did the weekend over everyone's right to choose their own religion, it just shows me again that my family's idea of christianity does not equal tolerance and love your neighbour. It's more like, do what I say, believe what I believe or you will burn in hell and I will disinherit you (again).

So, my poor stepbrother is happily Islamic, none the wiser that both sis and I fought for his right to pray and used 2 computers, many googled sites and quotes from both the Bible and the Koran to fight for his right to pray 5 times a day.

Before y'all jump onto bandwagons and crucify me: I don't hate Christians, I just wanted to point out that just like there are fasist Islamic suicide bombers, there are also the fasists Christians that will, when they run out of intellectual ways of convincing you that they are right, threaten you with hell. BUT you also get the intelligent ones that can entertain the idea that reincarnation is logical, God isn't, per se, a man and you are entitled to make up your own mind and interpret the Bible according to what feels right to you. For people like this (thanks be to my Gran) I have all the respect in the world.

Doesn't matter what you believe as long as you respect yourself and others. That is, after all, the basis of all religions.

The Grim Reaper and the letter 4

It's true, he is alive and well and living in my house. It all started out okay, the ex husband coming back, convincing me the divorce was a gigantic mistake and we are destined to be together and all that jazz.

How do you rectify one mistake with another? If you're me, this is not a challenge or difficult to do, since you do it on a daily basis. So, I let him move back in, focussing on only remembering the good times and hiding the bad ones in the inner most recesses of my mind.

On 7 May he just could hold it in anymore and he pulled one of his allnighters. Didn't come home till 4. By which time I was of course pissed off enough to have locked all the doors and turned off my cell phone. Reaper man decided that climbing through the kitchen window is an excellent idea. The kids nearly had a stroke and I wasn't far behind.

That left there, when he eventually woke up from his druken stupor, it was all apologies and "I promise it will never happen again"s. So I give the dude the benefit of the doubt (again).

Low and behold this weekend rolls around and he decides that 'his boss is going away so he needs to house sit, but Babes, you don't have to worry, you know where the house is, so come there at any time'. So I played it, waited till about 9 on Friday, and asked, okay, so where are you, cause I'm @ ______ house and there is no-one here.

He freaked out and came up with some lame story about going to buy more beer and getting pulled over by the cops. Just picture this in your head for one moment.... excuse me officer, hold my beer while I answer my phone... right.

So @ 4 on Saturday morning, he beats down the door again just to ask me if I am upset. No shit sherlock. I wanted to kill him. I am an insomniac, so when I do eventually get some shut eye with the help of my concoction of tabs from my shrink, don't fuck with my sleepy time!!!

Saturday night his phone was turned off and he didn't let me know if he was coming home or where he was or if he was alive for that matter. Sunday morning 7:00 ( I kid you not ), he decides that he should come get some warm clothes, so he waltzes in like he's never been away, get warmer clothes and ducks again. He came back home at 16:00 (4).

He doesn't understand why I asked him to move out, he keeps calling me and saying he can't live without me and he is sorry et al. To quote Madonna: "I've heard it all before..."

How's this for a text message: "I love you, I need you and I am sorry. Please love me back" Is that not the most selfish thing you've heard in your entire life?

This morning he complained about having to sleep on the couch - his back is now all bent out of shape and to top it all off, he has to work with that sore back. What he doesn't seem to grasp is that I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE!!!!!!!!

I wish him all the pain he caused me, with interest.

Last year he did this to me as well - but get this - he was then seeing another parent at the same school as my kids. He actually USED the girls to pick this chick up and then he very publically announced in the middle of the school fete, that he doesn't want to 'see' me anymore.

Am I wrong in not wanting to give him another chance? I think he's had plenty. Am I worng in wishing him away? Am I wrong in thinking that I will not allow him to push me into another nervous breakdown?

I am scared, I see all the signs of breaking down again.... lack of concentration, irritability, aggression directed towards people that don't deserves it etc.

Do I save myself this time or do I do what I always do and put him and the kids first?

I know they need the stability of a 'family' in their life, but where is the rule written that the 3 of us can't be a family??

Jodi Picoult

It's official - I'm addicted. In April I was visiting an old friend, she introduced me to Jodi's books. First one I read was My Sister's Keeper, I was a junkie from page one. Have now read two more: The Pact and currently reading Vanishing Acts. It sucks big time, since this is all I did the entire weekend. I didn't get any housework done, when the kids asked me what they could do, cause they were bored and I was being boring, I pushed books (Terry Pratchett) into their hands and told them to start reading. This was only a good idea in theory...

They are now officially addicted to reading. How do I know this? I watched them this morning while they were 'getting ready for school' . Trying to put on their school uniforms. The book open next to them on the bed while struggling with their stockings. Then things regressed even more: pick up book, walk with nose buried in it to the bathroom to brush their teeth. Try to apply toothpaste to toothbrush with one hand whilest not taking their eyes off the words. All the signs are there, I have turned my most prized spirits into zombies.

This would've great if it weren't for the fact that they start with their exams on Thursday. When we were getting ready to leave this morning, the inevidable happened. I had to tell them to put the books down.

"But Mom," came the retort, "we want to read at aftercare". Much as it pained me, I had to say no. They need to start studying. So my question is simple: why does my timing ALWAYS have to be bad when it comes to my children?

Some intelligent badges, I have a couple of people for every badge!

Madness

Normally this kind of thing makes me go *bleg, hurl, bleg*, but somehow this one spoke to my inner being, so I thought I'd share.

It's Madness

..to hate all roses because you got scratched with one thorn
..to give up on your dreams, because one didn't come true
..to loose faith in prayers, because one wasn't answered
..to give up on your efforts, because one of them failed
..to condemn all your friends, because one betrayed you
..not to believe in love, because someone hurt you or didn't love you back
..to throw away all your chances to be happy, because your first attempt didn't succeed

I hope that as you continue your journey in life you don't give in to madness

Remembering always:

another chance may come up

another friend

a new love

a renewed strength

Be persistant, look for happiness in every day.

The sure path to failure is to give up.....

....it is often through failure that future success comes...

1st Post

Today is Friday. I should be happy, right? I'm not. I have this NEED to not be at home this weekend. Methinks that all the stress of a pending maintenance court case and possibly due to the fact that I am very uncertain of what to expect. On the brighter side - only a month's worth of worrying - court case is in July.

As for the little people, they are blissfully unaware of the turmoil in Mommy. Till the hearing is done with, they can't go to Granny, last time they did go they came back with all sorts of reprimands: Mom, why are you taking daddy to court? He does pay you every month! Sure he does - that's why I can't afford to get you new school shoes!

I don't do the mud sling thing, but obviously I am alone on that one, if I have to hear that I suck as a mom one more time....

Now he wants to sue me for custody. Right. Kids have been in my sole custody since the divorce in 99 when they were 3, they are 10 and now suddenly I'm an unfit parent.

Dickhead!! I remember why I divorced you, you are an arrogant prick and you and your live in girlie think that I want your money. I DON'T need your money - YOUR KIDS DO!

Can someone please explain to me what the fuck he is thinking:

He and his chick have 2 kids, one 5 and one 6 months. She is a stay at home mom. The 5 year old has to attend a creche and they have a maid. How is that for living 'under the breadline'. Also, if I am such a horrible mother, why am I the godmother to the two boys?

Any lawyers out there care to comment??