My site has moved

You can find the rest of the babble on

http://happytheclam.wordpress.com/

You don't exist anymore

So, I haven't blogged since October. It's not that nothing happened, it's more a case of me not knowing how to say what happened or how I'm feeling. I've been, (haha, as if I'm not always) in a strange place where my only comfort has been avoidance. Really. Mostly avoiding myself and my demons that have, lately, become so much more and so real.

So how did I make it so far? Oh easy, to quote my mom "oh, yes, I'm the great pretender. . ." Ok, it's actually Queen or Freddy Mercury, but Mom keeps telling me that is my song. I've been focussing on fixing everyone else and in the process I can totally avoid myself.

I'm seeing someone, nice guy, younger than me (can you get your head around that one? I can't), 2 kids etc, etc. Now, my birthday is coming up sooner than I'd like and all that I've been thinking about is: why can't I make it an even 33? If I off myself on my birthday, it is easy to do my tombstone...

Here lies HappyTheClam, born 17 March 1975, died same day 2008. RIP. It's got a nice ring to it don't you think?

Things are falling into place nicely, got the testament all sorted out, have kinda prepared eveyone although they don't realise it's all preparation :o) Most people think I'm just too preoccupied or busy to care anymore. Great, the fewer people mom has to feed after the cremation, the better, besides, have you seen the organ donor list? These are people that WANT to live and I am depriving them of the organs the so desperately need to do it.

And no, I'm NOT going to do it on my birthday, thought about it, and now that I'm giving it more serious thought again, it seems like a good plan... with Abby I have 2 really bad days a year, her birthday and the day of her death, same with my dad. So maybe I should save the people 2 days and make it a two in one?

Leave me some comments and let me know the answer to 2 in one or not, also, how do I let the guy go before the time? He doesn't need to loose someone to death, I'd rather have him think I am still alive and well and living in NY or something. So to dump or not to dump.

Oh, lol, the reason for the heading to this post: when I tried to log on the message I got was "Your e-mail address does not exist". Well, they finally got something right, the e-mail address will not exist for much longer and neither will I. Now that is what we call closure!

PostSecret

. . . and you don't even know it!

How I'm feeling...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFUzCPkvwNo&NR=1

... i wish i COULD break the habit.

I'm Back

The break was much needed. I really didn't have anything to say, not in this space anyway.

Short synopsis of what happened while I was away. I went on a journey into self discovery. Sound mediocre? It wasn't. In one weekend I had more profound experiences than I've ever had in my life.

Then I had to get back into the real world after being snug in the safety of the people that went on the discovery with me. The first couple of days are easy, even the first 2 weeks. Then it gets a bit harder.

Integrity. That's what it's all about. Being honest with yourself and others. Sounds easy, right? It's not. The first while was easy, now it is getting harder, possibly because greater truths are hitting home in me.

In my direct circle of contact, everyone seems to be having affairs. I feel like I'm surrounded by unfaithful people. It makes me sick to my stomach. Sound about right? That was all fine and dandy and full of self justification. Who am I to judge?

As if to prove a point; the universe decided to chuck one my way.... the guy I've always wanted, been 3 years now, contacts me out of the blue with a proposition: he wants to get into a commited relationship with me. There goes my judgements and notions about what the other people are doing.

Granted, it was an e-mail, not a session of hot and steamy sex. And sure, I decided when I got up this morning that my current relationship is just not going where I want it to go, but still, now I am in the same situation. Tonight, I have to come clean with G about the mail and tell him although we have great times and my life will be really empty without him ( and it really will and it going to hurt like a son of a bitch ), the time has come for it to end.

I have no idea if the fantasy man e-mail will lead to something, but the fact that I am even considering it is enough of a reason to let G go. So, I'll be single soon. I am petrified.

And to all the guys out there I was so quick to judge: sorry, just do what is right for YOU. It might hurt for a while, but if you go against your own better judgement, more people get hurt and the capacity for hurting the other person also gets greater. Good luck to all of us.

Writers Block

I'm too scared to face myself and the lingering truth that comes with it, so I've decided to take a sabbatical. Dunno when I'll be back, just seems like everything I have to say I've said before, so what's the use of repeating myself?

PostSecret

How true is this?!

Pet Peeves . . .

Orgasmatron - Sepultura

I am the one

Orgasmatron

the oustreched grasping hand

my image is of agony

my servants rape the land

obsequious and arrogance

clandestine and pain

two thousend years of misery

of torture in my name

hypocrisy made paramount

paranoia the law

my name is called religion

sadistic

sacred

whore

I twist the truth

I rule the world

my crown is called deceit

I am the emperor of lies

you grovel at my feet

I rob you and I slaughter you

your downfall is my gain

and still you play the sycophant

and rebel in your pain

and all my promises are lies

all my love is hate

I am the politician

and I decide your fate

I march before a martiant world

an army for the fight

I speak of great heroic days

of victory and might

I hold a banner drenched in blood

I urge you to be brave

I lead you to your destiny

I lead you to your grave

your bones will build my palaces

your eyes will stud my crown

for I am mars the god of war

and I will cut you down